Courtship Chemistry

My wife loves just the way I am.

(Normally 'Just the way I am' was what worked best to keep people away from me though.)

The modern female, whether 14 or 40, wants any relationship on her terms. She sees the "jerk" as not interested in a long term relationship. The jerk is interested in one thing only; how many females he can score. He hasn't even thought about a long term relationship. That suits the female just fine. Don't forget, it takes 2 to tango. She could also be considered opposite to a jerk in her own behavior. Some men may be jerks, but females aren't perfect either. Sex is the force that drives people to do strange things. It is a very powerful stimulus, known to bring down heads of state, religious leaders and power brokers. This is a force the female has in her possession and if she knows how to use it, she can get anything she wants. The woman is always in control. If things don't go her way, it's because she hasn't learned how to use her feminine wiles.

Interestingly enough, this was written by a man. I, too, am a man, but after 39 years of marriage (and looking forward to 39 more. 43 more, if we live to be a hundred!), this doesn't match MY experience at all.

I was looking for long-term, from the start. So was my wife (Obviously. She puts up with me for 39 years and DOESN'T want long term? And she told me she loved me again this morning, as I headed out the door to work. AND kissed me good bye as she handed me my lunch bag. Which SHE prepared. She's REALLY working at making this last! I am indeed MOST BLEST!) But I'd like to see what a woman's perspective on this is. In fact, I'd like to read a LOT of women's perspectives on this, just to see how they "sample" across the spectrum.

I suspect it would skew differently from their view. No?

My long (?) experience on this field (and not as a jerk) makes me believe that this is kind of true. Unfortunately, women tend to be attracted by jerks: men who are rude, selfish, stupid, uneducated or even lazy. Here is my theory why this happens:

1) Many women like to be in a continuous struggle, trying to 'change' the jerks and improve their bad personality and behavior. And if they succeed this goal they feel really proud of themselves.

2) Most modern women like to have the control in their relationships. And it's easier to manipulate a stupid man than a clever one.

3) Probably, rude men 'awake' some primitive insticts to women (most in the sexual field).

4) Some women have low self-estimation, so they don't believe that they deserve something better than a jerk. Furthermore, such a man make them feel kind of 'superior' (compared with him).

Of course, it is more probable for a woman to have a long and happy relatioship (and, consequently, a happy marriage and a nice family) with a 'non jerk', i.e. a clever, gentle, nice guy. But, since they 'prefer' -in the first place- to make a relationship (probably a short one) with a jerk, it's difficult to reach the formentioned, happy end. First, they have to realize that their approach is wrong and decide to move on with a nice guy and not a jerk.

Well, I wish I would be a jerk... Probably, I could be more lucky on this field...

evaluator, you have spoken like a true gentleman, and I agree totally with you, I also was sailing the high seas for many years, then I met my wife who loves me so much, she cares for me as I care for her, even though she is now striken with MS and in a wheelchair, and at 67 years of age, like you I have experienced many different kinds of women, and the so-called modern feminist woman is destined to be left on the shelf, but some of us are lucky, we find the perfect woman, but to keep that woman we men have to nurture, care for and love that woman dearly..!

I always figured that it was the old preservation / protection scenario. Some women want a protector. Knight and horse and all that. Jerks tend to act strong and be bold and loud. Remember "you don't know him like I do".

Me, I tend to be a wall flower. I lurk in the shadows and under the radar. Quite evenings at home writing G&M Code and looking at wood working mags. Going out to dinner. Volunteering with my sons little league and at church. First to show up at work in the morning. Admittedly that is so I can get done and leave.

From a 40 something none jerk, but occasional pain in the @ss, and soon to be "old fart" male.

CaptMoosie: Personally, I enjoy the philosophy of the discussion. (Am I really that dumb/mis-guided/out of touch, or do other people actually have the same views on life sort of deal) Then again, I enjoyed the humor of the critter tales. Simple things for simple minds I guess, and I have a very simple mind!!!

Sounds like we may have been married to the same woman!!!!!! In youth and love eternal, both male and female hormones are at full tilt. As we get a little older and gain a little more experience in life, our eyes seem to lose a little of that haze of perpetual bliss that we thought we were entering into.

Our expectations are more realistic at our age than they were at 20 something. That's not to say ALL people, because some people are more mature, both male and female, at earlier stages of life than others and both are striving for that "common" goal. (although I've known a few whose primary reason was financial security, which for one party and possibly both, might be considered borderline prostitution) There has to be a commitment by both parties, or they're sailing on the ill fated Titanic toward the iceberg. People do change in life, some for the better, some for the worse.

My advice to either a son or daughter contemplating marriage: Get to know their perspective in-laws (father or mother) very, very well. Get into their heads and their thought processes, because in all likely hood, that is what the person they are about to enter into a lifelong relationship WILL become, and ask themselves "is that what I am really looking for, and is this how I want to spend the rest of my life". (easy for me to say because I don't have the raging hormones!!)

I too, as another op stated, would like to see what the women have to say. I believe the general population of this blog is pretty stable, marriage wise, the posts would be very similar to what has been posted. If the question were asked of the female population in general, I'd bet hard cash that most responses would be, "ALL MEN ARE PIGS". Could that be because of the "JERKS", or could it simply be a "REFLECTION"???

GA! Psst: Just for the Jerk record, comments on this blog relating to engineering are Off-Topic. Uh oh, gotta run. There's a gaggle of scantily-clad, white-hot, Venusian nymphopaths at my door, just pleading to rip off these leather tights. "Oh, who do I do, girls! Midnight rodeo time again?" :-))))

Women that like jerks are women that have had their a** kissed by guys all too often that turn out not to be the sweet guy they made themselves to be. They don't trust the nice guys.

The Jerks on the other hand, they are being themselves, women know what to expect because at least the guy is honest about himself and women think they can fix them. Trying to fix people doesn't work, the relationships don't last very long.

Men are the pursuers and women are the choosers.

The #1 Reason for DIVORCE is MEN taking their women for GRANTED. That is why Divorces get to be so ugly and the women seem to HATE their husbands. It is because they feel they've wasted their time on somebody that never really appreciated them and turned out not to be the man they married.

Keep the ROMANCE alive and your woman will remain in your court no matter what issues you face. Someone might come up and tell me they divorced because they were experiencing financial troubles and she couldn't handle it blah blah blah, NO! WRONG ANSWER! They dropped the ball first and was taking their woman for granted and she no longer felt the need to stand by him.

I'm talking about between two normal people, I'm not talking about damaged individuals.

She is the PRIZE guys. She chose you to be her man, it is your responsibilty to show her that you appreciate her for choosing you. When you loose sight of that, then you no longer deserve her.

If you want to reduce the possibility of having another failed relationship, don't blame her, you look at yourselves and figure out what did you do wrong and work at making sure you don't make the same mistakes again. I see a lot of divorced men blaming their exwives and you know what? Those men are sentencing themselves to repeating the same mistakes and getting the same results.

I just led you all to water.

You can disagree with me, that's fine too.

I suggest you get your wives and/or girlfriends to read this and get their opinion on it, their opinions count more than mine does.

BS

As a 42 with only 4 years marriage behind (and hopefully many more to come), I see a point in Capt Moosie comment. In Spain is said that "A man marries a woman expecting she will never change, and a woman marries a man expecting to change him".

If the changes come as a natural development of the adaptation of each other to the life in common, It could be called a positive evolution, to better.

If the changes come as a list of "defects" to be corrected from A to B, where A holds the truth and the wisdom, and B is poor children that need A advise badly to be able to grow up, not being shy to some public condescent remarks about it... we may have a jerk at hand.

And some people like it... or does not notice it till it is too late.

[receptionist, fawning] "Mr. Udall! Oh, Mr. Udall, how do you know women so well?"

[Morris Udall, pulp novelist] "I think of a man, take away reason and accountability."

-- As Good As It Gets