Valve Technology Blog

as a younger man, I worked on a very prominent heart surgeon's grass cutting equipment.

I used to tease him that he had the easier job... if I screwed up anything, and my work failed, my customer would be in the next day complaining.

on the other hand, He could bury his mistakes!

he extended an invite to come watch his work (fascinating profession - how rewarding to work on the "ultimate machine"?).. i always regret not going to watch heart surgery by one of the best in US...

This is not quite what you had in mind, but:

A proctologist wanted to become an auto mechanic so he went to mechanic's school. In the final test he was required to take an engine apart and put it back together again. The other students had long finished, but the instructor was patient. Finally he was finished. The instructor told him that he received 150 points out of a possible 100. The proctologist was pleased but confused. He said "I don't understand, why?"

The instructor said "Well, I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart, and 50 points for putting it back together, and I just had to give you another 50 points for doing it all through the tail-pipe!

More of an anecdote.... 'The case of the hidden shut off valve'

We'd been called out to a new laundry installation because our pumps were not pumping the starch into the washers.
The problem was, they'd installed a water shut off valve (closed) behind a panel so the flush water wasn't running to flush the chemical through.

Anyhow the starch had solidified and plugged the line...
The guy who called us out just wouldn't believe my explanation...

I turned the water back on and the pump was running and the line got upto about 3bar pressure...but still nothing came out of the far end (about 15 yards away)

He still insisted the pump was the problem.

He was standing there in his nice shiny suit... so I just cut through the hose infront of him.

A nice jet of white porridgy starch squirted all down his suit.

'There I told you it was pumping'

(To be fair to the guy, he climbed up to the cable racking and replaced all the plugged up tube and didn't complain about the suit)

Del

Our factory was newly established. It was far away from the city, farms all around.

We established our flow laboratory for calibratio of the flow meters. The lab was running fine. There was no proper fence as such to the laboratory.

One fine morning, we observed that pumps are not pumping to usual capacity. We went through all the drill of measuring voltage, checking if motor is running reverse due to reversal of phases from supply feeder line (usual phenomenon in India those days), checking the water level in the sump etc.

Nothing was identified.

Suddenly one of us observed potatos near suction line.

We were surprised to find that after lab was established, farmers used to come to lab, early morning, before any of us was on duty, to wash the potatos in the sump. That day, for some reason the farmer ran away before he could remove all the potatos

I wish I had been a fly on the wall, to see that one. That may not be a valve jo...

oh, wait, the MANAGER was the valve joke, right? (Valve (n)., (1) a semi-conducting device which passes energy, flow, pressure, etc. [eg. electrical current, water, etc.] under some form of external control. (2) As in (1) above, but passing the effect only in one predetermined direction.) Clearly, fitting definition (2), he thought all expertise ran one-way, FROM him, TO you.

Micah

Sven had graduated from engineering school and went to apply for a job.

The HR director asked Sven what he could do.

"Vell, I'm a diesel fitter."

The HR director inquired further.

"Vell," Sven replied, "I can hold up a pair of panties and say 'Ya, diesel fitter!'."

Not exactly a valve joke, but my Minnesota roots couldn't resist.

Left over from the holiday season is a buy one get one free deal.

1. To look for air leaks on dump trucks, we would just plug the shop air line into the drain valve on the bottom of the first air tank on the truck. That way we could look for air related problems with the truck off. One day the boss went and got his hair cut during work hours. When he got back, he wanted to blow away the loose hair around his neck. He walks over to a truck with an air line connected to it. He removes the air hose, connects an air blower to the line, and blows the oily residue that collects in the bottom of the truck's air tank, all over his neck and head.
2. Same man different truck. When these dump trucks would develop hydraulic leaks, we would have to raise the bed up to find the leak because the hose to the lift cylinder was hidden by the dump body. One day one of the other mechanics was lifting the body up too slow for the boss's desires. The mechanic was told to use fifth gear, and 1000 RPM. With no load, that combination will pick those dump bodies up fast. With the boss watching, and yelling to hurry up the mechanic did as told. All was well until the dump body rose above the leaking point in the hose. At that point the hydraulic fluid aimed right for the boss's white shirt. The mechanic did not hear the command to shut it off fast enough.

Two white shirts ruined. Oh well. Things happen.

Happy new year to all.

WTF kind of mechanic makes minimum wage?

A poor mechanic.

My brother-in-law witnessed a pair of 24'' bronze gate valves get tossed overboard (USS Kitty Hawk) because they weren't on the ships' master inventory list but they were taking up unaccounted for space in the ship's store room. Some boson wanted his inventory to match -- I wonder if he made Admiral yet???

More sad than funny actually...

I spent nine years in the US Navy, and had to throw out stuff I'd have put in my junk box (did, in fact, when it was legal) to prepare for the arrival of an IG team (Inspector General. They nose into everything, but it goes especially hard on the Captain and his subordinate officers when there are too many of these, or too few of those, in the ship's inventory with "too many" and "too few" being determined by the ships TO&E (Table of Organization and Equipment), which in turn is used to enable the supply office to keep the ship's stores up to date. One thing that "too many" often indicates is that someone is stealing and selling or otherwise black-marketing. Definite no-no. Too few indicates a lack of combat readiness. These are only two indications, but both matter a lot.

So, if an IG is coming, you throw out or otherwise dispose of a lot of stuff. But since an IG is usually years from the last IG, you accumulate whatever you know from experience you'll need most, and have least, when something breaks. Until the next IG is coming, when it all starts over again.

My shop had a certain set of tools we were authorized, in certain quantities of sets. But we did a lot of work that wasn't in our regular line of duty. So we accumulated sets of tools for all kinds of extra work, and had to get rid of them when the IG was coming. We didn't buy them. We got them in trade for other stuff we had extras of (two pound cans of coffee could get a Greenlee Hydraulic punch and bender set, in the right circles. Cause coffee was always in short supply. Greenlee sets weren't. At least not always). In fact, if you ever hear a sailor talk about "cumshaw" that's what he or she is talking about. Trading up for what his or her shop/ship needs.

All that is against the rules, but when you are at sea, with the nearest shore 3,000 miles away, and none friendly in your part of the world, you collect what it takes to get 'er done, by any means that won't get you slapped in the brig.

Then when the IG shows up, you clean 'er up. And when they leave, you start over again.

Micah

Some guy felt like peeing, so he left for the loo. A little later, I joined him to peeing too, and found that he taken position on the urinal but had so far not been able to relieve himself.

First there was silence as I proceeded with my thing, then came the quip "Valve failure to operate on remote command" to explain his situation. I nearly wet myself laughing.

Operations Engineer in a pipeline Company.

Absolutely no truth to this one:

The bronze police-valve attempts to arrest the stainless steel criminal-valve:

"Come clean boy!"

"Yeah, you've got me copper!"

This is the last warning! Don't get me started on sick jokes.

I marked this as good answer because of #5, and here's why:

1) It is a valve joke. That makes it consistent with the question of the topic.

2) It is self referential as a valve joke.

That's a hard combination to beat!

Q: What do valves and walruses have in common?

A: They both like a tight seal.