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Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 8:23 AM

1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, BUT I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, BUT I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a tailor, BUT I wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working at Starbucks, BUT I had to quit because I got tired of the same old grind.

5. Then, I tried being a chef - I figured it would add spice to my life, BUT I just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I tried working in a deli, BUT any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was as a musician, BUT I eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied for a long time to become a doctor, BUT I didn't have any patience.

9. Next up was a job in a shoe factory - I tried hard, BUT I just didn't fit in.

10. After that, I became a fisherman, BUT I discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Next, I managed to get a job at a pool maintenance company, BUT the work was too draining.

12. So after that I got a job at a workout center, BUT they said I wasn't fit for the job...

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, BUT I realized there was no future in it...

14. My last job was when I tried working in a muffler factory, BUT that was too exhausting.

So, I tried retirement! AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

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Guru
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#1

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 8:33 AM

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER…… PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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#10
In reply to #1

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 9:39 PM

Witty humor Andy!

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Guru

Join Date: May 2006
Location: Placerville, CA (38° 45N, 120° 47'W)
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#13
In reply to #1

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 11:42 PM

Thanks for both sets! I definitely got a few chuckles!

... and to the others who contributed more!

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Guru
Technical Fields - Project Managers & Project Engineers - New Member

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#16
In reply to #1

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 7:17 AM

Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Reminds me of the person outside of a health food store swinging an advertisement sign for the store , person was grossly overweight.

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#17
In reply to #1

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 7:21 AM

I used to be a comedian,... but, I didn't know it.

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Guru

Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Tamworth, UK.
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#23
In reply to #17

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 12:00 PM

I used to be a doubting Thomas ......but now I'm not so sure

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Guru

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#18
In reply to #1

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 7:31 AM

Grt Andy.

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#28
In reply to #1

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/02/2016 9:46 PM

Andy, You can add one: This is a real sign on the gate of a pasture in New Hampshire. If you cross this pasture, do it in 9 seconds. The bull can do it in ten..

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Guru

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#31
In reply to #1

Re: Job Hunting!!

03/18/2016 7:21 AM

Just noticed this thread, but you might like these

Notices seen round the world...

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

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Guru

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#32
In reply to #31

Re: Job Hunting!!

03/18/2016 8:13 AM

Great Codemaster

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Guru

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#33
In reply to #32

Re: Job Hunting!!

03/18/2016 8:46 AM

Thanks, my favourite is

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

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Guru

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#34
In reply to #31

Re: Job Hunting!!

03/18/2016 10:03 AM

A large warning notice at a newly painted shop window in Lynton North Devon UK circa 1943 - saying CAREFUL WET PAINT DO NOT TOUCH with a small wood painted panel pinned alongside and a piece of sacking with a notice that said TEST HERE

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Guru

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#35
In reply to #31

Re: Job Hunting!!

03/18/2016 10:14 AM

Or from a different angle, how about:

Satisfaction guaranteed. Our customers come first.

Where maybe?

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Guru

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#36
In reply to #35

Re: Job Hunting!!

03/18/2016 10:33 AM

A quiz team I know call themselves Premature ejaculation - we like to come first.

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Guru

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#2

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 8:36 AM

too bad the comedy writing gig ended with similar results

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#11
In reply to #2

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 11:06 PM

Hey Fredski you just stole Lyn's line.

BAB

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#3

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 8:43 AM

Two shows a night three nights a week.... Thank you, thank you.

Folks Andy Germany has left the building.

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#4

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 11:23 AM

Yep - boring old Sunday in the depths of winter.

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#5

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 12:49 PM

A few people need to go back to bed and wake up on the other side. I got some laughs out of this, even the few I've heard before.

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Guru

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#6

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 12:59 PM

On my last job I had 100 people under me. I was in charge of mowing the cemetery. Then I got promoted to plant manager. I made sure all the plants in the office got watered.

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#7

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 3:29 PM







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Guru
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#8
In reply to #7

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 3:50 PM

Good ones, thanks.

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#12
In reply to #7

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 11:13 PM

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

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#14
In reply to #7

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 2:41 AM

Somebody forgot the directions:

  • Go to where the schoolhouse used to be
  • Cross the the railroad tracks (since removed)
  • go about 3 miles
  • Make the first left turn (sign says "No Left Turn")
  • Third house on the right (now a soccer field)
  • White house with brown trim - ya can't miss it.
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#19
In reply to #14

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 7:33 AM

and this is so true.... I've used

To get to Lambeau field you turn Left at were the old Piggly Wiggle used to be, its now a Walgreens

And people would know where I was talking about.

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#9

Re: Job Hunting!!

01/31/2016 6:58 PM

I know the feeling, I started as a flying trapeze artiste, but they let me go. After that I was the Human Cannonball, but I got fired. I had a job making calendars, I was sacked for taking days off. Then I trained to work in investment banking but I lost interest.

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#15

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 5:49 AM

Don't give the landlord of my local ideas!

He's forever making excuses for me when SHMBO is on the warpath.

It wouldn't be so bad if I was married!

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#20

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 9:39 AM

Great fun Andy.

I used to have a ding-dong time ringing the bells at our local church but got tolled off for knot knowing the ropes making me drop clangers for going like the clappers but in a half-muffled voice the vicar towering above me said in his treble voice I would soon get the hang of it, or if I couldn't stand the bells, I could make a major decision to sally forth and ring the changes elsewhere if the job didn't appeal to me. I got the tenor of his message and started work as an apprentice electrician - where my first mistake was a shocking experience......

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Guru
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#22
In reply to #20

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 11:53 AM

There have been some really good embellishments here from people like yourself, thanks!

Being a "campanologist" in my youth (till I joined the RN!), I mostly understood your "Grandsire" post!!

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#24
In reply to #22

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 12:32 PM

Well a triple GA here Andy.

In your job hunting did you ever work at a sewage farm? - or just go through the motions...?

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#25
In reply to #24

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 1:32 PM

LOL!!

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#29
In reply to #24

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/04/2016 3:08 AM

Sometimes you get it "up to here". The "real" Ed Norton in "The Honeymooners".

Thanks Andy

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#21

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 10:21 AM

Wish I could GA the OP.

Stellar wit, Andy, you are like the true alfalfa farmer; outstanding in his field.

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#30
In reply to #21

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/04/2016 10:32 PM

"...outstanding in his field" brings back memories of my HS biology teacher, except his phrase was "...outstanding in the hall".

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#26

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 4:05 PM

You could have tried being a meteorologist, but there's too much pressure.

Don't forget, after church the Lady's Auxiliary is holding a rummage sale, where all women's clothing is half off.

At my McDonald's job, I suggested we sell steak sandwiches, but discovered it was a big McSteak.

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#27

Re: Job Hunting!!

02/01/2016 6:13 PM

Once there was a funeral parlor across the street from a bordello. The first had a sign, "Our staff will stuff your stiff"; not to be outdone, the second put up a sign, "Our stuff will stiff your staff."

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#37

Re: Job Hunting!!

11/15/2016 12:00 AM

Ha Ha great Job policy..

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