Live, from ..... Air Traffic Control?

I don't know if this has been posted before on CR4, but here it is again (classic aviation humour from Australia).

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After every flight, pilots for Australian airline Qantas fill out a form called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The maintenance engineers correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. The following are some supposed maintenance complaints actually submitted by Qantas' pilots.

P = Problem logged by the pilot
S = Solution and action taken by the engineers

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on backorder

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what friction locks are for

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel; sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget

In another life I was an 'avionics mechanic' working on F-15s at Edwards AFB, California (specialty code 32632A).

One day we had this little one-star general come visit us who demandedrequested to fly one of our birds. One thing about F-15s: we could have all been Maytag repairmen as far as those birds were concerned. They were extremely reliable - amazingly so - and so it was a cold day in Hell when a subsystem failed to do its job.

Itty Bitty General One-Star took one of the birds up, flew it around for awhile and then came back down pissed as all get out that "none of the systems worked." The radar didn't 'work right,' nor did the inertial nav, nor did the HUD, nor did the... You name it, it "didn't work."

There was nothing wrong with the plane.

That evening when nobody was around, I went out to the plane and noted in the log under each of the general's complaints: "Removed and replaced pilot in accordance with T.O. 1F15..." I signed them all "General Confusion."

Next day the squadron commander paid us a surprise visit with the general and his entourage in tow and 'officially' dressed us down for being so "openly disrespectful" to our 'esteemed' visitor, but you could tell it was all for show. He was struggling hard to maintain his composure and not crack up, and we did likewise. Itty Bitty General One-Star didn't notice a thing, the guy was so thick. He just stood there and scowled. Come to think of it, at no time did I see any other expression cross his face.

They left and then, a little while later, the commander came back and said, "Whoever wrote that in the log, thank you! My God did that make my day, especially to watch that little s...t go ballastic, that egotistical sumbitch. Just don't do it again. I'd really like to retire on good terms with this outfit, okay?" Then he left, the sun came out, and everything was fine, as was the plane.

"You've never been lost until you've been lost
at Mach 3."

Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when
you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the
ocean than submarines in the sky."

From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you
always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the
crash."
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"Without munitions, the USAF would be just another
expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic
controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot
dies; If ATC screws up....The pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in
aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where
are we?" And "Oh SH-T!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed
to complete the flight successfully."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we've
never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a
flight bag to store dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your flight to a person on the ground who is incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it
can just barely kill you."

Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably
isn't flying his plane to its maximum."

Jon McBride, astronaut
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the
thing as far into the crash as possible."

Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver
than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in
peacetime."

Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB,
AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter,
it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle
of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the
air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is
much more difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when
it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the
crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and
asks, "What happened?".

The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Love those! Here's some others I loved...

In his book "Sled Driver" SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout. There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.....
"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ahhhh," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

So, on a plane from NYC to Dallas this cute blond gets up from her seat in coach and goes to first class, plops into a seat, buckles up.

Flight attendant comes and says, " I'm sorry mam but airline regulations require that you move back to your seat.

Blond says with a big smile, "I'm blond, I'm cute and I'm gonna sit in first class on the way to Dallas.

FA goes to the cockpit and tells the 2nd officer about the cute little blond in 2-A.

Co-pilot saunters back to explain things. " I'm sorry mam but airline regulations require that you move back to your seat for the rest of the flight.

Blond says with a big smile, "I'm blond, I'm cute and I'm gonna sit in first class on the way to Dallas. She doesn't move. 2nd goes back to cockpit and reports to Captain. "That blond in 1st class isn't going to move.

Capt. says, "I'm married to a cute blond and I speak their language."

Capt. walks back, bends over and whispers something into the blond's ear.

She quits smiling and gets a frown on her face. Capt. heads to the front and blondie gets up and goes back to her seat in coach.

As he walks back to the front the FA stops him and asks him what he told the blond.

Capt. smiles and says, I told her that first class doesn't go to Dallas.