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This list of tool names came in my email

05/23/2007 10:07 AM

Any body got any other favorites to add?

milo

TOOLS AND THEIR REAL USES

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with th e speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou _ _ _ _...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation ofblood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-upjobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also b e used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.

Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.

Sometimes used to convertcommon slotted screws into non- removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a

coal- burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench th at grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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#1

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/23/2007 10:33 AM

What about

STANLEY KNIFE: Tool designed to run off cable sheathing and open up thumb tips

HAMMER: Is also a tool for applying semi-permanent black nail varnish

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#2

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/23/2007 11:50 AM

Club hammer, hammers bigger brother, sledge hammer, hammers granddaddy, both used to inflict greater damage to any Innocent part not already damaged enough. Pipe wrench takes a normal pipe and screws it into a wrecked pipe. spanner a tool made to hide where you can't quite reach. Torch a device that always works but never when needed. Soldering iron a hot tip just waiting to burn your hand. Blow lamp a source of intense pain and the cause of many a fire. Crow bar (pri-bar) that carried by intruders that crunches door jams. Electric planer that wich takes off just too much wood at one end.

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#3

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/23/2007 12:36 PM

B.F.H. - See club hammer.

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Guru

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#4

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/23/2007 2:58 PM

"Any body got any other favorites to add?"

1.-I have a "Huskey" HD two blade pocket knife. It has a box cutter blade on one end and a regular style blade on the other. Both have a side spring lock piece that locks the blade in place for use. All the safety of a lock-back but much more convenient as either blade can be safely closed with one hand.

The pocket knife replaces all the old box cutters which became unreliable about staying put in the extended position due to wear on the blade lock.

2.- A Foredom Flexible Shaft Machine with electronic speed and feed back control to maintain torque.

3,- A box of cemented carbide bonded on metal shapes from Harbor Freight with shanks to fit the chuck of the Flexible Shaft Machine. Have used these to cut Pyrex glass test tubes with out water, a still get a good finish.

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#9
In reply to #4

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/24/2007 4:05 AM

I think the plot has been somewhat missed here!!!

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#5

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/23/2007 4:25 PM

From my own personal experiences..........

Portable AA battery-powered soldering iron – Device for whiling away the time as you try and remember where you put your real soldering iron. Batteries will die just before any useful work is done. Only designed to heat the tips of fingers for impatient users (or singe chest hair for those forgetful users when placed in shirt pockets after attempted use).

Battery drill – Gun-like device for sometimes drilling holes in material, but often slowly as no matter how many batteries you have, they are always dead or on their last leg.

Hammer – Multipurpose tool. Will usually fix any lost cause problem permanently, and with great satisfaction.

Bench vice - Multipurpose tool. Slower and less satisfying than a hammer but serves the same effect.

Tradeshow giveaway / supplied-with-product free gift screwdriver – A device that has no real purpose apart from rounding off the ends of screws. Will fit no screw known to man. The head of the screw driver will commonly flake causing the embedding of painful metal splinters into your fingers. Will never break so is likely.

Screw tidy storage system – Device with multiple drawers where you keep all of the nuts, bolts, screws, washers and fittings that you have, except the one you need right now. Drawers will jam closed due to a rogue bolt stuck inside.

Dry powder fire extinguisher – A fire safety device that when dropped spreads a vast cloud of fine dust over everything in the factory. Will also set the building's fire alarm off.

Disposable Stanley/craft knife – The rarest and most sort-after tool in the factory. Will usually disappear within 1-2 weeks after you get it (the only thing that disappears faster is the disposable Bic pen). Packs of blades can be found in virtually any factory or lab drawer. AT NO TIME ATTEMPT TO MODIFY A DISPOSABLE BLADE FOR USE!! (especially using tissue paper as it is a REALLY bad idea). Commonly other tools will be employed to perform the useful cutting function that the Stanley knife provides (screw drivers, side cutters, sharp pieces of metal or stone, etc).

Side cutters – Device designed to cut small terminal wires, but you will have great difficulty as one of the factory workers been using it to cut sheet metal and they are now blunt.

Precision side cutters – Fine-headed side cutters designed for precision wire cutting jobs. Usually lacks one of the jaws as someone has attempted to cut rebar or something similar with them.

Hardhat – Device placed on the head that increases your height, guaranteeing that you will now misjudge heights of overhanging obstacles and collect them on a regular basis. Also fly's well when you are out onsite in high winds (especially when on top of tall hills). Natural round and thermodynamically-stable design ensures that it will roll at least ¾ of the way down the hill on its rim, irrespective of the type of terrain.

Brand-new High visibility safety vest (plastic) – Specifically designed to PREVENT you from gaining access to substation sites. In the event of a nearby fire or high fault current arc-over the vest will form a molten plastic cocoon around the user that is difficult to remove.

White lab coat – Apparel designed to collect vast quantities of grease and grime making you look like an engineering equivalent of a mad surgeon.

Safety shoes – Apparel designed to transport large amounts of metal swarf on to the office floor.

And

Neck Tie – Apparel guaranteed to get sucked into exposed rotating machinery with divining rod-like accuracy. Also good for obtaining samples of open pots of paint, zinc paste, etc when you bend over forwards to get a better look at something in the factory. If the tie contains metal threads it will also try and drape itself over live exposed terminals or bus bar.

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#6

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/23/2007 5:18 PM

Duct Tape:

The only tool know to man to actually work consistently. Often replaces expensive specialty parts and tools. Commonly used as medical treatment after use of the expensive part or tool results in bleeding. Also commonly the only tool whose location is actually known.

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#7

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/23/2007 5:37 PM

BAILING WIRE: Used by many younger/poorer people to keep the car together. Now that I am older, and finally saved enough to get a car that didn't need wired together, it is used for other things around the machine shop, like hanging parts in the hot tank.

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#8

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/24/2007 1:32 AM

volt-ohm-amp meter = repository for dead batteries.

flashlight - used to store dead batteries that won't fit in VOM.

oxy-acetylene torch - primarily used for removing padlocks just prior to finding the key.

tape measure - Doesn't matter what it is used for if you can't find it.

1/8 and 3/16 hex key - probably with the tape measure.

yard stick - used for stirring paint after opening can with screw driver.

tubing cutter - used for forming threads on copper tubing.

x-acto knife - used for perforating chair cushions (if you get out of the way fast enough).

die grinder - used to make interesting patterns across finished mold cavities.

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#15
In reply to #8

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/24/2007 12:42 PM

So Thats where the batteries are!

milo

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People say between two opposed opinions the truth lies in the middle. Not at all! Between them lies the problem, what is unseeable,eternally active life, contemplated in repose. Goethe
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#10

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/24/2007 6:06 AM

Jesus Clip Tool. You know those pesky snap rings that when compressed suddlenly fly accross the room while you yel "Jesus"

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#11
In reply to #10

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/24/2007 6:21 AM

PHILLIPS SCREW DRIVER: Orange juice, vodka and Milk of Magnesia

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#13
In reply to #10

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/24/2007 11:52 AM

Yes, gotta have one of those! I knew it as a Jesus Clip tool 45 years ago. If you work on carburetors it is a MUST have.

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#12

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/24/2007 7:39 AM

Wonderful string of tool tales!!! How about the Trouble Light/ Drop Light:

The old metal housing unit with a 100 watt bulb, that when used under your car in a cramped space while your hands are stuck up around, across and between a tight spot, is Trouble when Dropped from the crevice it's jammed in, onto the skin of your neck!!!

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#14

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/24/2007 12:10 PM

9V BATTERIES: Never around when time to change the one in the smoke detector. Everyone does that once a year, RIGHT? Don't want to wake up dead from smoke inhalation or fried into a crispy snack. Ours works, somehow the flu door in the fireplace got closed about 20 years ago. 2am, smoldering wood had the whole house full of smoke, down within 3 feet of the floor. It took hours for the fans to clear the house enough we could go back to sleep.

D-CELL BATTERIES: Will not corrode unless they are in a $35.00 Mag-Lite.

C-CELL BATTERIES: A person has need of C-cell batteries maybe one time in their life. What an odd size.

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#16

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

05/24/2007 4:35 PM

Power tool switch lock-Transforms an otherwise useful power tool into a "demon from hell" usually happens right after you plug the tool in after accidentally pulling the power cord loose while using the switch lock. Tends to make all type grinders self propel themselves all over you shop including your new flip flops with your feet inside.OUCH This nearly always occurs when using power tools in awkward position or tight spaces.

pipewelder

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#17

Re: This list of tool names came in my email

06/20/2007 1:27 AM

Further use of drill press just after it has wrenched the plat bar of steel free is to remove a large chunk from your 15 year old inexperienced arm.

If at first it doesn't work, try try try a hammer.

If then it don't work, try a bigger hammer.

If then it still don't work, give up before you hurt yourself.

Spanners, Used by Harley owners instead of hammers.

Pliers, used by electricians instead of hammers.

Screwdrivers, used by electricians as chisels.

Tapemeasures, on the rare event one can be found are used to short out electrical circuits with a satisfying bang.

Shifters (Crescent spanners), used to short out battery terminals also with a satisfying bang along with a sizzle.

Wet cell batteries, used to provide natural laxative action when shorted out by shifters.

Tools define the tradesman eg., small hammer = electrician, bigger hammer = fitter, FB hammer = boilermaker.

Welding rod, device which when sharpened is used to make boilermakers. Use it twice to make a painter.

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Anonymous Poster (1); Bolton_Alan (2); BrainWave (1); Butcher (1); DickL (1); Emjay4119 (1); fattmaxx (1); garyceng (1); gwynn156 (1); jack of all trades (1); Milo (1); MrChevy (3); pipewelder (1); Stirling Stan (1)

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