Looking for an MCU and 3 Phase Motor Driver Combo

You are describing something that already exists, called a Variable Frequency Drive (VFD). A 2.3 A 230V version (can accept up to 230V) will cost you somewhere in the $250 range for a good one, less if you don't need high performance.

I have a vfd. There's no way to phase lock it to the line frequency. I only need one speed and a variable phase delay. If I had a vfd that I could write my own software for I could solve this in a jiffy.

What do you mean by "phase lock it to the line frequency"? It you want the motor to run at just one speed, tell the VFD to run it at one speed, it should. If yours does not and it drifts, you have a cheap junk VFD. A good quailty "Vector Control" VFD should hold speed at .001% accuracy. Your line frequency from a utility is not even that accurate.

The line frequency from the utility is what I need to lock onto. My tesla coil has a rotating spark gap that must fire at the ac peaks. Any later and my hard to find neon sign transformers will die. It's called a Synchronous Rotating Spark Gap or SRSG. My local VFD suppliers say they have never seen a VFD with an input that allows syncing to an external frequency. So I have to build my own. I found a VFD evaluation kit at $700 but thats out of the question. I found a 3 phase driver board at $30 but I still need the 208v switching supply. I can't use a transformer supply because that would put the current draw of the entire machine over 15 amps and I want to stay under that so I can plug it in anywhere. You would think that out of all the thousands of microcontrollers out there someone would make an expansion card for driving these common motors.

If you want to design your own hardware the Application Notes from the MicroChip corporation might be a good place to start your research. They are above average when it comes to providing resources to the home hacker. Digikey, Mouser and other sources have chips, eval kits, demo boards and other required parts.