Fraternization?

We have no policy here, our company is small ~ 50 employees so awkward relationships can have a serious effect. We have employees who have become couples, one couple have married & there has no down side with any of these that I have noticed. We also have sons & daughters of employees working here and that seems to be OK as well.

In previous employments I have seen serious problems caused by relationships between employees that have broken down with the associated arguments spilling into the workplace so I can understand why employers are nervous about it.

I guess in the end it comes down to a choice. You can't stop work colleagues from forming relationships but, if it happens, are you willing to lose one of the workers to avoid any possible conflict or bias? I'm glad I don't have to make that decision.

I don't recall any prohibitions in any previous employers rules. But experience is an even better teacher. I've seen far too many cases where it happened. Every one ended very ugly. With people either being fired or forced to resign. Not one in my memory ever turned out well. And this is over the 30 years I've been in the labor market since college.

For a long time it was my personal policy to not date other employees in the small companies I worked for. I suspended that policy once, and it made for awkwardness during nworking hours and lot of good natured but unappreciated snide comments from co-workers. It put the woman and I in some uncomfortable situations. I simply would not do it again in a small company except in extremely special circumstances (too lengthly to go into here).

In a larger company where constant contact doesn't happen, that may mitigate the situation, and of course there are many examples for people who have met at work, fallen in love and gotten happily married (including some people I knew back in the 80's). Still, one of the best ways to avoid possible complications is simply not to let your impulses get the best of you. Or as the old anti-drug saying goes "Just Say No".

I am still married, 30 years later, to a woman I met at work. This is one of those issues where everyone knows about a good and an ugly outcome. I think it's useless to try and prohibit through rules things that are normal human behavior, like developing "interpersonal relationships". Such rules are just about making life easier for management rather than having to think and make a decision and be responsible for the result, and there are too many rules like that already.

My belief is that any time one's private life begins to intrude in a negative way on work and business then employers are right to take corrective action. I would not put having a relationship with a coworker in a special category when it comes to disrupting the work environment. The ones causing the disruption - especially people making snide comments about a coworker for whatever reason - are just being unprofessional and immature and should be dealt with by management.

I'm glad it worked out for you, but more often than not, it doesn't. That is to be expected because most dating relationships do not end up in marriages or long term relationships. That's why it's called dating and so much of it goes on. How do you think Match.com and EHarmony make their money from it?

I agree that the snide comments were and are unnecessary, and in my case it may have contributed to the decison on the woman's part to back off. Management didn't do anything about it, considered it part of everyday working life....and interestingly, the top manager was thought to be playing around at work too. But yes, such rules about fraternization are for management's convenience rather than any other considerations.

My point is that while interpersonal relationships are inevitable given the amount of time people spend at work, the decision to pursue such a relationship should not be taken lightly. While it may work out very well, there are significant risks....and only the two parties in such a relationship can know if the risks are worth the possible consequences. All I can say from personal experiecne and observtion is the odds are not in such a relationship's favor.

Well, to be fair, it was obviously very early in our working lives and we don't work together now. We would probably have to find some time away from each other if we did, but that's what golf and track days are for in my life

I think my main point still stands, even after reading some of the other replies to this post, and not disagreeing with many of the points made (Frank Designs). We are responsible for our own professional behavior and management is responsible for maintaining an appropriate work environment. If an employee can't handle that responsibility, well maybe losing a job over it is the learning experience they need. If management can't provide that then maybe high turnover and low quality workers will be the lesson for them.

If you just make a blanket rule that doesn't require any thought then how does anyone really learn from the experience? By that I mean learn more than "don't break the rules".

We are (or should be) responsible for our personal relationships in and out of our work, even those that don't work out and don't end well. I like to think a good manager is able to point out when relationship issues are infringing on work and take steps to alleviate negative affects. I also like to think that mature individuals are able to work around personal issues to get a job done. Of course, reality and what I like to think are not always the same thing.

I have never done it.

My experience has taught me this:

1. It is NEVER a good idea to get personally involved with someone you are forced to spend 8 to 14 hrs/day with.

2. There are Billions out there, what makes this one person you are thinking about knowing better worth risking everything for? Even with no managment restrictions, this could change your career path, alienate potentially life-long friends, and make a fool of yourself.

3. I love my wife. I enjoy spending time with her when I can. I also can function happily without her any time. I would probably have to kill her if she decided she wanted to nag me and I could not get away from her all day AND all night. Who wants that? See Rule 1.

4. I get along much better with my wife when I work on the road. Toilet seat status and dish washer loading becomes less important to her if she had to plunge and mow and shovel snow and deal with everything alone while I am gone. I can only imagine what it would be like if we were together 24 hrs a day. This is why I am scared to death of my eventual retirement... It is the perfect way to ruin a good relationship.

5. I worked for a guy who had his wife as a personal secretary. He publicly called her "Peaches". What a Tool!!!! They never fought (at least not in public, but it nearly made my skin crawl to be in a room with them both. They had to try so hard to be happy with each other, I can't believe either was ever truly happy...

6. Everyone always talks about "What if she is the one?", but there are so many people out there, there has to be at least two of "the one"s, so passing on one as a BAD political situation/career move is not the end of the world. If there was only ONE, those who lose a spouse would ALL be miserable. I know those who have lost a spouse they love very much (notice the word love, not loved), yet get remarried (one within a year) and happily live ever after. They still love the first one, but can't have them, and they love the second one just as much and get to enjoy them. Those are the folks who appreciate what they have just a little more than the rest of us.

7. It is NEVER a good idea to HAVE to be with your spouse 24 hours a day. If you travel with them to work, you work with them, you travel home with them, and you hang together at night, won't you get sick of each other. When dating this sounds like the best thing ever, but after 30 or 40 years, it might get a tad old. Especially the day after a fight - which does happen, even in a perfect world. You are two different people, and therefore by definition will not always see everything from the same perspective - unless perhaps you marry your telemarketer twin sister/brother who works as your peer in the desk next to you doing the exact same job.

8. Did I say don't date your co-worker? If I missed that point, you might want to avoid that scenario...

9. If you chose to ignore that advice, best of luck to you. You might need it sooner or later.

"I can only imagine what it would be like if we were together 24 hrs a day. This is why I am scared to death of my eventual retirement... It is the perfect way to ruin a good relationship."

I'd say you better take the initiative and work on your relationship. There are lots of things to do to ensure that your retirement time is not one of dread because of "forced" contact. Find fun things to do together that don't cost money. Develop hobbies together. Find ways to volunteer time together to help out others.

Read good books on marriage or people skills, listen to good audios that can help us get better in the relationship we already have.

Why did you get married if you didn't want to spend time with her?

We just had our 35th anniversary and I didn't know how good of a choice I made when I asked her to marry me. She keeps getting better all the time. Hopefully, I am too because she deserves the best.

I love my wife dearly, and don't dread spending time with her, but we both have our own lives and I have no desire to spend 24 hours per day with her. We have some common hobbies, but we also have some that the other does NOT enjoy.

We have been happily married for 20 years, and I have no desire to run away, but as I said I am more appreciated when I am around less rather than more, and vice versa. Why would I want to ruin a perfectly enjoyable relationship by spending too much time together, when we are perfectly happy spending time doing our own thing? Ask any relationship counseler - if spending too much time together leads to nagging and taking things for granted, the best thing to do is spend time apart from each other. I would rather grow old in love than feel like time goes on forever with someone who can't stand to be in the same house with me.

When you work together you can NOT get apart from your spouse unless you specifically go out of your way to go your own way. Even then you only get away for a couple hours. There is no anticipation of a weekend together if you are always together 7 days a week. Absense makes the heart grow fonder.

The bigger the company→the bigger the pond→the more the fish.

I was once told:

"Don't Dip Your D*nk in the Company Ink!"

My employees had to be told to be more adult about their failed at work relationship. They did, and things worked out well.

Its amazing how different people become when they told to grow up or get out. If I wanted high school drama, I would hire high school students.