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 Such a morbid post title, eh? Well, without beating around
the bush, that's exactly what we'll be covering this week. Yes, Halloween was last week, but science is every week! Yay, science!
The concept of breathing new life into dead humans is as old
as Biblical times, with Jesus resurrecting Lazarus four days after his death.
Whether you are Christian or not (and this is CR4, so no one is going to listen to you either way), this is  one of the oldest recordings of
reanimation in existence. Fictionalized accounts of reanimation gained
popularity in literature in the 19th century, with Dracula and
Frankenstein's monster being most prevalent. "The beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust
filled my heart." -Victor Frankenstein upon the realization of his creature.
Yet we all know tossing a body in the air and it getting
struck by lightning doesn't bring the dead humans back to life, or dogs for that matter.
Several other methods of reanimation exist however, with varying degrees of
scientific validity. Let's take a look at
your options for when that carnival goldfish dies.
Zombification
 Zombies are originally a creation of voodoo and subsequent
creation of disease. African cultures believed that zombies were the result of
sorcerers. As these traditions carried to Haiti, western societies were able to
determine that zombies were a result of a powerful combination of neurotoxin
drugs delivered by witch doctors into wounds. When these toxins didn't kill or
paralyze the victims, they became obedient addicts with low levels of
affection. Furthermore, during the French Creole and Haitian conflicts of the
early 1800s, a man by the name of Jean Zombi gained fame for his brutal attacks
and his service to the Haitian nationals, so the name 'zombie' came to
represent obedient and scary individuals.
While the dubious credibility of voodoo is clear, more
modern takes on zombies place the origins in the hands of disease spread by
blood and saliva. These zombies just want to eat you and your brains, and you must kill them
appropriately. On the date of this publication, zombies are very much 'in'.
The highest rated cable TV show is currently "The Walking Dead" and zombies continue to serve as a silver screen
staple.
 Many officials, namely
the CDC, have debunked the possibility of a virus that reanimates deceased
individuals, despite their publicized zombie
apocalypse advisory. Several medical conditions resemble a zombie virus, however: Taxoplasma gondii is
a parasite that causes rats to sacrifice themselves to cats, and may be
responsible for some human suicides; stem cell research has proven capable of regrowing
brain stems-meaning people can be reanimated into stumbling, bumbling
humanoids; finally, nanobots have been programmed to work with bacteria to help keep humans alive when they find cancers and viruses. It's not farfetched to think that these nanobots could continue to repair human tissue upon expiry.
No matter how many drug-crazed, nude homeless men eat each
other, zombies seem like an unlikely reality. Zombies as film represents them remain out of the medical reality. In my opinion, there are enough
guns and adverse weather to stave off any large-scale zombie attack, this method isn't an effective means of keeping the cognitive person people
love (or hate) alive.
Cloning
 Genetic cloning gave us Dolly-the first cloned sheep, as
well as the cloned dinosaurs from the film Jurassic Park where a man is eaten by a tyrannosaurus while sitting on a toilet. Dolly was relatively easy to clone when
compared to a dinosaur. The sheep's entire genome had already been mapped from
the DNA donor and the embryo was carried to term by an unrelated sheep.
Unfortunately, DNA
mapping of an entire dinosaur's genome is impossible since the half-life of
DNA is about 1 million years even in perfect preservation, and it would be
extremely difficult to sustain the dinosaur in an egg. Reptiles have yet to be
cloned at all.
 Cloning humans has become a grey area in many arenas.
Religions argue that cloning is immoral, politicians claim that cloning is
illegal, and scientists say cloning is inevitable. In 2004, a Greek fertility
doctor implanted a woman with a cloned embryo, but the pregnancy was
unsuccessful. Scientists have cloned large, complex animals like buffaloes and
steers, so the technology to clones humans is probably available despite its
limited attention.
Two areas of cloning are particularly related to
immortality: replacement cloning and persistence cloning. Replacement cloning
involves the duplication of a person already deceased by the preservation of
their DNA, while persistence cloning involves the creation of clones to keep
the DNA donor permanently healthy and young. Most countries capable of cloning
have adopted laws banning the process for humans, but as stem cell research
advances a more thorough debate on cloning will be needed. In the 1960s
bioethicist Leon Kass wrote, "The programmed reproduction of man will, in fact,
dehumanize him." which sounds eerily reminiscent of Dr. Frankenstein's quote at
the beginning of this article.
Cryogenics
 A process that gained a lot of press in the 1990s, and more
recently upon the death of .400-hitter Ted Williams and the 2003 legal battle
as to status of his remains; Williams DNA remains in a state of frozen suspension.
Much like Austin
Powers and my nemesis'
wife Nora Fries, individuals are suspended in a frozen state until
technology exists to resuscitate the deceased or heal the diseased. Many
countries require that individuals in cryopreservation already be dead or the
medical team can be charged with murder or assisted suicide. The basis of
cryogenics is built upon a well-accepted notion of medical science: that a
person's mental faculties can exist post-mortem when preserved by freezing.
However, the second part of cryogenics is largely based on skepticism, which is
the belief that medical advances will allow the reanimation or successful
cloning of the individuals being preserved.
This future technology must also
be able to account for tissue regeneration, since it is likely some tissue will
be irreparably damaged. During typical frostbite crystal formation within cells
causes them to burst and die, but through a process of vitrification tissues
are frozen while microwaves keep the water in liquid form. When the microwaves
are removed the water freezes instantaneously without bursting
the cell walls.
Being immortal isn't for everyone. But right now, it also
isn't for anyone. Would it be worth it to be alive in 100 years? Time would
become useless, but that's up to the individual to decide. There are a variety
of scientific methods where this could
become possible.
It should be important to note that many cases of Lazarus
syndrome
have been documented, so even when it's over-it may not yet be over. This could just be malpractice as well, but
that doesn't bode well for techniques requiring medical technology.
 In 2012, Russia saw the creation of a new, single-policy
political party called the Longevity Party. Its sole mission is to reform
legislation to make extended human life a reality. If I lived in Russia, I
think 70 years would be a good "I'm done now." There are plans to make this a
party in Holland and the USA as well.
Yet some of the world's greatest individuals and their
accomplishments could be preserved. Your grandchildren can see Ted Williams #2
hit triples in Fenway. To me, that alone is worth the research.
Resources
Image credits: Kumquat Writer; Eric B. Olsen Tripod; Gajitz; CDC; Immortal Humans; Animal Research; Alcor; ABC News
Wikipedia - Zombie; Resurrection; Cryonics; Haitian Voodoo (Mortality); Human cloning;
Extreme Tech - Sorry, you will never ride, see or pet a cloned dinosaur
Mother Nature Network - CDC denies rumors of zombie apocalypse
Smithsonian Mag Blog - The Curious World of Zombie Science
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Re: Man's Best Attempts at Immortality
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