Essential Terminology for Engineers: Input Required

How about these engineering 'laws'........

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will
Begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and
Someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work bec au se you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
Always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson ' Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Woodworking law: If you cut a piece of wood, it will always be too short

Cordless drill: If you want to drill a hole, the battery will always quit before you get all the way through.

Glue: When you need just a dab, the glue will be dry.

Wrapping a package: The paper will always be too small, you run out of tape or the twine isn't long enough by a half inch.

Digital cameras: The memory chip is full or the battery is dead.

Card playing: If a card drops out of your hand, it always falls face up for everyone to see, especially when you have a pat hand.

Computers: You spend an hour typing a document, but before you can save it, a power glitch wipes it out.

Someone is always at the door when you are on the phone.

When kids get sick in a car, they never make it out the window.

As soon as you leave home in the car, someone has to go to the bathroom.

The one time you take off from work to attend to business, the business is closed for the day.

Refrigerators, freezers and air conditioners always quit after 5 PM on a Friday.

Gas grills always run out in the middle of a barbecue.

You are watching a mystery on the TV. Just as the plot is going to be revealed, the station has broadcasting difficulties.

When around a car mechanic, place an extra part or screw among his collection of parts to be reinstalled. It will drive him crazy.

six muntz ago i cudent evan say six muntz ago, naw i is a injuneer.

Lets take a proactive approach. Well piddle away time and money writing unhelpful e-mails until everyone forgets about this and it goes away.

My wife is an architect, my daughter is studying architecture, I am a civil engineer and my brother, well, he is a self proclaimed engineer. Pretty damn smart if I must admit it...Anyhow, he despises all architects and most engineers, usually those who do not own a hard hat or work boots. I do not now how famous this is or who penned it, but my brothers favorite is "You can draw an A#@ Hole on paper, but you can't make it s@#t.

"You can draw an A#@ Hole on paper, but you can't make it s@#t."

Are you by any chance refering to the OP.

Looks like an invitation to participate in mass M.M.

My Grand fathers favorites:

I would if I could but I can't so I won't.

People who never do anything never have problems.

If you never start you won't have to finish.

If you had never learned to repair cars you would not have to keep doing it.

That is not a one way wheel barrow.

Why put something off till tomorrow which you can get someone else to do today!

Never put off until tomorrow that which you can avoid doing altogether.

I have the t-shirt this came from. Many more available for engineers of all kinds and competencies from:

http://www.cafepress.com/

And I don't own stock in the company...

24. WE ARE FULLY COMMITTED TO MAINTAINING A DIVERSE WORKFORCE - We base our hiring decisions on race and gender, and not diversity of ideas. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is fired.

Thought I would share one more with you...As evident in my previous thread, my brother is not very refined, therefore I typically handle all contact with the customers. Several years ago when we first started consulting, the customers bean counters were questioning our rates and our invoices. After several discussions and not so cordial volleys, and on the brink of offering a discount, my brother piped in in his normal charming way..."Hey, we may be expensive, but at least were slow" After a long pause, all invoices were approved and signed and we spent several more weeks on the project. The controller just couldn't help but feel we were truly sincere after a comment like that.

Also, "Nothing is impossible for the people that do not have to do it"

The teamwork of our employees is the key to our success. As long as we set and hold the due dates they will actually get things done.

The Company needs your input. The HR Department might have missed an idoit please identify yourself.

PEOPLE ORIENTED SOLUTION - We have to dumb this thing down for the masses.

DOWNLOADED UPDATE READY TO INSTALL - It doesn't matter if your system is too small and too slow, we sent you the download automatically, and now your computer will be slower than ever.

INNOVATIVE CONCEPT - We don't know for sure if this thing will work or prove to be of any real benefit, so you're our guinea pig.

PROFESSIONAL EXPERTISE - We learned we can charge you more if you think we know what we're doing. Or, we've learned how to use big words to impress gullible but beautiful women.

CONSULTANT - Someone you pay to tell you how to do something you should already know how to do, or someone you bring in temporarily because you're too cheap to hire someone with the right skills and knowledge.

DOWNLOADED UPDATE READY TO INSTALL - It doesn't matter if your system is too small and too slow, we sent you the download automatically, and now your computer will be slower than ever.

And it really doesn't matter how big and fast either; our downloads will always fix what wasn't broken or improve what's working too well...so that they eventually overwhelm you...either your computer or your time wasted trying to fix it after each update is installed. Eventually there will not be enough time to finish one fix before the next improvement comes.

You misunderstood my comment. It was not a knock on consultants, but a knock on those who hire consultants when they don't really need to, or they are too cheap to hire someone full-time to bring in needed skills and knowledge.

Because of your misunderstanding my comment and the poor compostion of your post, I question whether or not your clients are getting their money's worth. Surely someone who knows more than a software installation support technician and drafter with 2 associate degrees does a better job for his clients than he did in your post.

BTW, this was supposed to a humerous thread, and no matter how much the humor might reflect some truth, it should still be taken in the spirit in which it is offered. In other words: LIGHTEN UP, BUDDY! It's just a joke!

I thought CR4 was an engineering site. When did the drafters take over? Why do they hate Consultants?

They don't HATE consultants, they just don't understand them...

CONSULTANT - any guy with a laptop computer in his briefcase working more than 50 miles away from home.

COMMUTER - the same guy working less than 50 miles away from home.

As noted previously, the consultant is the guy you hire to take the blame. I am a consultant, so I speak with some authority. The key here is that the consultant needs to be aware of this going in, and needs sharper skills than those that have called him...

There are two types of consultants. One is the person you go to when you lack the expertice to do something yourself. They are a good and necessary part of business.

The other is the person you go to when you know what you want, but you want a disinterested third party to agree with you. This type, usually a business consultant rather than a technical one, is the person who tells management that their personel problems are the result of a few antisocial employees instead of the pointy-haired boss of Dilbert fame, or that they are paying their employees exactly what they deserve, even though all salary surveys show that the standard pay is 50% higher.

The second group is the one we usually think of when we dis consultants.

(I don't fit either catagory, but am closer to the first.)

And I always thought the consultant was the guy you hired to take the blame...

PORTABLE - Presuming it is loaded on a trailer already.

"Mistakes have been made - others will be blamed."

As an Engineer, I don't see the glass half full or half empty... Just too much glass for the amount of liquid it needs to hold.

After a complete review we decided to redesign the product. Meaning: We finally listened to the Engineers.

My apologies to all...One Scotch to many I guess. Especially to DUCKINTHEPOND for ruining the good spirit of his post and to you 3Doug for my being confrontational. Lets all continue to enjoy the site. I should have known better.

Regards...

S'alright........I've always maintained there's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation...........

DRAFTER: What many engineers and architects used to be; someone who documents designs by drawing accurate (and sometimes impressive) images; someone in a position to learn both the theory and practice of science; someone who develops the capability to visually analyze things because he or she spends time looking at lines, shapes and angles.