Outrageous Conversations

I was reminded of a phone call I had gotten several years ago. The conversation was uncomfortable for me at the time, but was the source of intense amusement for a third person. As I consider from his point of view, it was HILARIOUS! I will tell you the story in first person, but it is best considered from the third person point of view, that of my customer.

Scene: Doorman's office, 4:30 PM on a Friday, summer of 2004. The phone rings at the same time that a regular customer comes into my office. I pick up the phone handset and motion him to a chair. I begin my phone conversation, intending to make it short:

"Hello, Doorman here. Oh, hey there. Fine, just fine. Say, could I call you back? I have someone in th… oh, well okay. Sure. Mmm hmmm… okay, the bread with the seeds on top? Okay. Got it. And some orange juice… and, wait a minute, I better write this down." Gathering a pen and note paper, I scribe the already recited list. "All right, I'm ready. Okay. Yep… Two? All right, I got it."

Then I am drawn deeper into the conversation, my customer has become transparent: "Really? You know how much I dislike that. Why can't…well yeah but… Okay, no trouble. Maximum flow? What? No, I don't mean anything by that, I'm just askin… No, I don't think… Okay, so not maximum flow? Yes maximum flow. Got it, one box maxi-pads…"

Then a real show stopper. I lean back in my chair and drop the pen on the notesheet: "Really? You're kidding me. [Doorman mumbles to self]. Nothing, I was going to ask why, but I'm pretty sure I know why. Huh? Well if you… Mom, why are you dating a guy that cannot afford to buy his own condoms? Well… I know… No, of course I want you to have some fun… Yeah but… Mom, I just… No, I don't need another little brother… Okay, it just caught me off guard a little, that's all. Anything else? Wine? Sure, why not. What kind? The purple box? A box of wine? Okay, got it. Anything else? Great, I'll see you about 6:00." Then I return the handset to the phone. I comment to my now non-transparent customer "Yeesh, my mother is getting more action than I am!"

My customer, with admirable restraint, is simply sitting there with a tablet in his lap. From the looks of things, he is ready to pop a gasket. About thirty seconds go by, and we both try to be professional about it and proceed with his needed material order. Then, the phone. I plan to make short work of whoever this is, and simply hit the intercom button so I can write while I talk (he can now hear both sides of the conversation).

"Hello, Doorman here." Without a moment of hesitation, a female voice (my live-in girlfriend) "Just who the hell do you think you are your mother just called and I just have to wonder if you get some sadistic pleasure from that are you going to treat me like that when I get old what is the big deal she has a life too ya know she is your mother for crying out loud." "Fine, just fine…" I respond. "Say, could I call you back? I have someone in th… "I'm not really mad at you, I'm just upset" she sobbed into the phone. "Well, it sounds like you're mad at me. You were yelling at me." This innocent comment causes the release of another breathless tirade: "Isn't that just like you everything is ALWAYS about you maybe my sister is right I ought to leave you maybe I won't be here when you get home how about that?" <click>

"Good-bye. I'll see you later, thanks for calling" I say, and hit the call release button on the phone.

This proved too much for the previously mentioned gasket. Howling, bent in half, the laughter brings other customers and employees to my office at a fast jog. After collecting his dental appliance that had been expelled in the blast, we were able to complete the order.

How about you? In your personal or professional lives has there been some overheard conversation that was outrageously… outrageous?

Post script: Don't forget: replacement monitors and keyboards are available from LynDoor™ Industries, where everything is ALWAYS about YOU!