Tech Jokes

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar...and doesn't.

Schrödinger's cat walks into the lab and says, "This experiment scares me half to death."

wait, wait, I'm starting to remember more...

A virus walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve viruses here." The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."

An infectious disease walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." The infectious disease says, "Well, you're not a very good host."

A room-temperature semiconductor walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve room-temperature semiconductors here." The room-temperature semiconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve neutrinos here." Neutrino says, "That's OK. I was just passing through."

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
[Engineer] What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
[Doctor] I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
[Pastor] Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
[George] Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
[Pastor] That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
[Doctor] Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
[Engineer] Why can't these guys play at night?

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.One says, "I think I've lost an electron."The other says, "Are you sure?"The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive…"A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon being asked the price, the bartender responded, "For you? No charge."

Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

The bartender tries to take one of Helium's electrons, but fails. The Helium is nonplussed.

@Sue, Doorman and artsmith...

Hey, those are all good ones and I'd never heard them before. Thanks.

http://nobelprizes.com/nobel/why_no_math.html

I wonder if this one will ever end.

Come on Sue, admit!

A piece of string on its way into a bar was told by a friend that the bar man would not serve string, so he tied himself into a knot, frayed up the end, and proceeded to the bar and placed its order. The bar man took one look at him and said, you look like string to me, upon which the string answered, No I'm afraid not.

Regards JD

A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.

After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.

Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'

After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'

Love some of the contributions, but a variation on

Math joke: An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a third of a beer, and so on. The bartender says "You guys have no limits."

OK a bit weak, but I tried.

Codey

How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."