Why the Kilogram is Overweight

Why the Kilogram is Overweight?

Why? To make us fat Americans feel better about ourselves.

Let it gain some weight,,,maybe we could finally get our money's worth....

So it wasn't those Christmas cookies that did it? It was the kilogram itself? Yay!

I'm gonna celebrate by having pizza.

Pizza? Good call! I'll be right over.

Tweaking the kilogram are they? It's not like the kilogram is some sort of fundamental universal constant, like the speed of light or the twenty pounds I can't seem to lose. I mean, c'mon, they can define it to be any bluddy thing they want it to be, so why mess with it at all? (yes, I know: that's how they get their grant money).

Instead of tweaking an arbitrary standard of mass into another arbitrary standard of mass, they might consider doing something else far more useful and long overdue:

• Restore the Noble Calorie to Its Rightful Place of Honour. For some inexplicable reason people have got it stuck in their silly heads that Calories make you fat. Rubbish! No, dear reader, Calories are Units of Taste. It's true! Think about it: that godawful piece of celery you had for dinner last night? That token symbol of perennial failure; failure of your futile plan, doomed from the outset, to lose that copious dead tonnage you gained over the holidays? Like gnawing on a piece of plywood, wasn't it? Tasteless. Bland. Nondescript. Made you suddenly want to dart outside and vigorously shake the neighbor's cat in front of small children, didn't it? How does it do that to otherwise sensible folk? How, you ask? Can you say "No Calories?" Pizza, on the other hand, represents a veritable windfall of the stuff, packed to the gills with lip-smacking mozzarella, pepperoni, mushrooms, sausage, hamburger, peppers, tomato sauce, anchovies, et cetera, et cetera (toppings extra) with little bits of Heaven that paint a smile on each and every cell, making them feel all warm and fluffy inside and, most of all, valued, wanted, important and loved. No, Calories don't make you fat, dear reader, they make you Happy. It's about damn time this mess got straightened out at an official level.
• Call taxonomists to account - Let's face it: Celery is a member of the Plywood Family. You know it. I know it. The wall knows it. And for you spineless wimps Out There still riding the fence, try this: Close your eyes and chow down on a bit of plywood, then celery. No difference! (Grocers take note, your next delivery is headed for Ace Hardware)
• Lastly, if you gained weight this past holiday -- and everybody gained weight this past holiday so don't even try it, Bubba -- don't blame the noble Calorie. No, blame the Real Perp: Dr. Peter Higgs and His Accursed Bosons! It is they who are at the origin root of this whole mass mess. And that whole Calories-makes-you-fat bit? Bollocks! A ruse to shift the blame. Oh you can bet the dear Doctor is on Weight Waddlers' S-list. Bog help that bugger if they ever catch him, too (unlikely). By the time they're done with him, he'll be ruing the day he didn't think up neutrinos, instead.

"Hello? Little C's? I'd like to place an order, please!"....