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H aving made the discovery fairly early on that I am unfit for most professions, I still harbored a quiet hope that I would someday experience work in one of the few professions I fantasized about as a child.
Along with professional book reader, solid gold dancer and all-around story-teller, I imagined myself excelling as a secret agent.
Though I couldn’t tell you what it was that shaped this fantasy, it seemed to me to be the perfect marriage of travel and intrigue. Even as an adult, reading the occasional spy novel, I considered myself capable of conducting covert missions, led, naturally, by my own intuition.
Unfortunately, that fantasy was dashed this week as I struggled to complete the online test to become a spy for Australia’s secret service.
Breaking with traditional recruitment efforts, the Australian Secret Intelligence Service (ASIS) has gone high-tech by posting an online test to determine ones’ fitness for becoming a spy. The test, which is open to the public, gauges the taker’s answers to questions about scenarios that the applicant is walked through. The applicant is expected to demonstrate that he or she is perceptive, empathetic and smart and possesses great attention to detail.
At first blush, it seemed to be a perfect fit….
Smart
After an unsuccessful first attempt where I somehow managed to lose track of the volume settings on my computer, I had to start the test all over again.
Undeterred, the first task involved filling in a number to complete a pattern. I am pretty certain that I nailed it, but I guess we’ll never know for sure...though my history with both numbers and patterns might suggest otherwise.
Empathetic
In a scenario meant to gauge whether or not the applicant is both empathetic and persuasive, I was asked to fill in the correct field of multiple choice answers for convincing an overworked airline customer service rep to give me a seat upgrade while simultaneously showing my concern about the day she was having.
Bingo. This is likely the (only) part of the test where I managed to even make an impression on the folks at ASIS — less for my persuasiveness and more for my ability to complain with others.
As the test continued, things went rapidly downhill.
Perceptive
I have only recently discovered that I am not as perceptive as I once fancied myself. How do I know? The test included a segment where I was shown pictures of characters that I would later have to identify. Of the six characters that would reappear in the background of a flight scenario, I managed to identify only one of the characters and it was only because they bore a striking resemblance to a reality show cast member (see Smart).
…and farther down the hill it went.
Attention to Detail
Again, if you had asked me yesterday, I probably would have told you that this is where I would shine. I am all about the details. Just ask the people I live with…and micromanage.
To measure an applicant’s attention to detail, the test used overlapping video of the same character telling three different stories at once. It was up to me to cull three details from the overlapping stories. I managed to extract maybe one detail and it was this: This woman talks too much!
While the character droned on, I was instead imagining my new secret-agent life in Australia, surveilling those hoping to harm that country, and sweeping in at just the right moment, saving the country and its people, thanks in part to my attention to detail.
Annoyed by the character’s ceaseless chatter, I tried to supply the three necessary details to complete the test. I filled in the fields as best as I could, knowing all the while that my answers were incorrect.
Dashed Hopes
The test concluded, to my great surprise…and dismay, with an immediate rejection, forcing me back to a reality where my initial suspicions were confirmed. I really am unfit for most professions.
To take the test as well, go to: https://www.morehumanintelligence.com.au/
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