DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which
> you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench near the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
> hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
> 'Oh shit!'
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
> until you die of old age.
>
> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
> the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
> future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
> heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
> of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
> wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
> you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
> under the bumper.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
> off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
> drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
> future use.
>
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
> good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
> can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite
> the handle.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to puncture the vacuum seals under lids or
> for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
> shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
> screw heads.
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
> convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding a clip or bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate and destroy the most expensive parts adjacent
> the object we are trying to hit.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
> such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
> for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
> while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most likely,
> the next tool that you will need.
Tool Usage - 101
Re: Tool Usage - 101
