Engineering Jokes

The company Safety Officer was instructed by the Operations Manager to compile a safety manual for the staff because of its very high accident rate.

The Safety Officer thought over it for a while, and then took out the Standard Operating Procedures manual that the Operations Manager himself had written.

On the cover, the Safety Officer simply scribbled this phrase:

"Company Safety Manual: Read through every single instruction given in this book, and then do the exact opposite of the instructions laid out within tells you to."

The company went on to win awards for zero accidents every year since then.

How can you recognize a Safety Officer?

The guy with suspenders and a belt.

Not a joke. Absolute truth. At the one department I worked for they hired a new supervisor, and immediately assigned him to the safety committee. His name was Lester Chance.

Rude bus conductor to old lady who had some difficulty climbing into the bus :"Ya better take some yeast lady, to help you rise better .....har har"

Old lady: "ya better take some yoreself boy, to make you better bre(a)d"

Whole bus : "Hahhah..."

And a little later, a live wire fell on the bus...alas, all people died, except the conductor... Reason - he was a BAD conductor

An Engineer from Mass. had two balls made out of brass, he rubbed them together, made stormy weather and lightning shot out of his ss!

Recre..................Nevermind.

Two men in a pub:

"I've got an Engineering Dog!"

"An Engineering Dog? What's an Engineering Dog?"

"Kick him up the backside and he makes a bolt for the door!"

A Mechanical Engineer, an Engineering Manager and a Controls Engineer were on the way to a meeting in a car.

They got to the top of a long hill when, partly down the slope, the car's brakes failed. Hanging on for dear life, the car careered down the hill, just made it round the corner at the bottom and slithered to a halt in a field.

Rather shaken, they got out of the car to assess the situation.

The Manager first:

"Well, I think we need to convene a meeting, consider a cause and effect matrix and come to a consensus as to the course of action that will prevent occurrence."

Then the Mechanical Engineer:

"Well, while you do that, there's some tools in the boot. I'm going underneath to fix it."

Then the Controls Engineer:

"Well, I think we need to push it back to the top of the slope and have another go!"

Rather a long one, but .. it is NASA !!!

Here is a look into ENGINEERING specs that is very interesting,educational, historical, completely true, and hysterical all atthe same time: The U.S. standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the U.S.railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then?Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and toolsthat they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels wouldbreak on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question. Now the twist to the story... There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or S.R.B.'s. The S.R.B.'s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the S.R.B.'s might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the S.R.B.'s had to be shippedby train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The S.R.B.'s had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' rears. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's Ass!