Time to yuk it up...

A long time ago when my wife asked, "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I replied, "Nope. It's not the jeans."

_{No, I didn't mind eating at McDonalds the rest of the week.}

I would beat her to the punch and ask her before she asks me...."Do these jeans make my butt look big."

After she laughs, I'll add "they do, don't they?"

I told my wife she is not fat, just too short.

Event and setting: The party celebrating the 50th birthday of my mother-in-law. Several neighbors, friends and family in attendance. Music, memories, friends, fun, booze. What could possibly go wrong?

About three hours into the raucus affair, the party girl wandered over to my assigned liquor dispensing station. As I filled and refreshed her drink and the respective tanks of her hovering friends, I piped up: "So, fifty years old today. That makes you 350 in dog years, ya know!"

She didn't speak to me for 6 months... I guess it wasn't so bad.

So, how's the weather?

Weather 'round these parts is, to sugar coat it, crappy.

It has finally warmed up to about +25^oF, but that is to be short lived. We are expecting another storm, bringing another 12" of snow and -10^oF temps. This is expected to last about a week. The anticipated water and cold temp will only worsen our impending Flood of the Century outlook (the third in the past three years).

Fargo North Dakota has made it to the 'Sweet Sixteen' voting for "America's Toughest Weather City". If you have an opinion about this, please feel free to cast a ballot.

Some years ago I lived in Grand Forks ND and had a live in girlfriend. One evening we cooked something and it got burnt into the pot which happens sometimes. I put the pot in the sink to soak overnight afterwords no big deal.

The next day she had a fit about that pot still being dirty so I told her, then clean it out if its bothering you so much. She didn't like that one bit for what ever reason and continued to fuss about it while I was outside working.

About two hours later I am washing my car when she comes out and starts up again about the dirty pot in the sink and how I have time to wash cars but not time to wash the pot. So in the house I go to see what this fuss is about and the stuff in pot was still very baked in even after sitting all night soaking. She says I have to scrub it out or it will never get clean just sitting there. I then grabbed the pot and walked out the door and took it over by the car, fired up my pressure washer stood on the pot handle as I blasted it spotlessly clean in about 5 seconds then took it back inside dried it off and put it away.

Her meltdown after that granted me about three days of silence. Apparently I did not put enough effort into cleaning that pot out.

It was a nice three days too.

Well you know, no fair using power tools.

You should at least have asked if she needed anything else cleaned.

Her indoors had maintained station in the kitchen for pretty much the whole day and much of the early evening. Doing what she usually likes to do, scratch cook biscuits, cakes as well as dinner for folks and the furry kids (dogs).

Then she declared that she may as well sling up a hammock and sleep in the kitchen as well..

My retort that I would facilitate that for her in the next house, was met by a sullen 2 minute silence followed by a banshee wail for about 5 minutes. After which she didn't say anything to me for 2 days.

Amazining how much a bloke can get done (for himself) when he's not hectored all the time...

Running a photography business gave me a lot of peace and quiet.

The darkroom as well as being light tight was totally sound proofed. Sound system, drinks cabinet and arm chair installed I was in a world of my own with a legitimate excuse.

Evidently there is an on-line insanity game called "Farmville". It was all the craze in my area with the wives a few years back. I can't imagine why given that we breathe, sleep, and eat farming.

The wifey got involved in this stupidity hobby early on (thankfully that was short lived).

It was mid to late spring with much to do around the farm. On this particular day, wifey was to set strawberry plants and prepare the vegetable beds. Couple, three hours of her time at the most.

7AM, off I went to the field leaving her seated at the kitchen table with her lap top, tapping away with the understanding that her chores would be done when I came back for lunch so I could plant the beds.

I get back to the house at noon and there sits wifey, still at the table in front of her laptop tapping away.

Knowing she was fully engrossed in "Farmville" I asked "are you done outside, can I start planting"?

Her reply "No, I have not been out yet".

I asked "what happened, we are burning daylight and we need to get these chores done"?

She replied……………….(are you ready for this)…………….YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I HAD HARVESTING TO DO (on Farmville)!

Her having realized what she just blurted out to me and me digesting it, we both laughed hysterically.

Embarrassment is obviously a great motivator. The wifey not only set the strawberry plants and prepped the beds but she planted the beds all that same day.