Here's An Engineering Humour Section

When being deliberate vague about dimensions my Dad say things are

'an inch foot by a thick wide' which has a nice ring to it.

Talking of rings...if you are measuring a circumference...where do you start?

<Talking of rings...if you are measuring a circumference...where do you start?>

Where does it end, more like.

Well it's simple, you start at the beginning and end when you get back to the beginning (or when you are done)

Why, even the Mad Hatter knows that!

MadHatterDay began in Boulder, CO, in 1986, among some computer folk who had nothing better to do. It was immediately recognized as valuable because they caused less damage than if they'd been doing their jobs.

Full article: http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~ari/madHatter.html

I'm marking this on my calendar for next year

Something wrong with 13) - is it just an unlucky number?

Yeah. Maybe it should be one million² microphones = 1 megaphone.

Don't think the guy who wrote it noticed.

Mark

Thought about 13 again today. Maybe it should be 1000 million microphones = 1 megaphone.

And yes indeedeley doo. 4 nickels = only 1 paradigms. Nonetheless, a clever witticism.

In reference to number 25. Wouldn't 4 nickels = 1 paradigms?

Posts 3 and 6 are correct, the original post has a couple of errors.

Speaking of circles, how do you drive a Norwegian crazy? Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. (I am 1/2 Norske by the way!)

An optimist will tell you a glass is half full, a pessimist will tell you it's half empty. An engineer will tell you the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Hi Ried. I do not want to be pedantic, but there is no "e" at the end of Norsk. You are either Norsk or of Norsk decsent. You can be 1/4 or 1/2 Norsk. Jeg er en Engeskman som bodde i Norge for 22 ar, sa jeg vet va jeg snakke om. Spencer.

UFF DA!

Actually, in the upper midwest US (ND, SD, MN, WI) where i grew up, Norske is an acceptable spelling. There is the "Norske Nook" cafe in Osseo, WI.

I'm 3rd generation, 50/50 Norsk and Dane, so I don't speak or read the language. Can you translate?

Don't worry about being pedantic, as long as people pick up on the sarcasm, you can be what you want as long as you are not too abusive or insulting. We're engineers, so I think we are used to the abuse and insults.

Hi Ried, I am happy that you took it so lightly as you did. Yes I can translate from Norwegian to English and vice-versa, Danish which is similar to Norwegian I can also translate, but Swedish can be difficult at times. Med hilsen, Spencer.

Hello Scapolie,

I thought I was reading a sensible post, then....................There is no need for that language!

Take care..............

jfmfit

Hey! I enjoyed these, must we disect every little tidbit! Put down the theaurus' dictionary, slide rules and micrometers for two seconds and Lighten up Guys and Gals.

"Lighten Up?" We're engineers, we can't lighten up. If we cease being pedantic, our designs will begin to fail. Then where will you be?

Back to the drawing board!

Surely the tools required for dissection are a scalpel, probe, maybe tweezers....?

(It's a joke...honest... )

and to decrease the weight, maybe some helium... now, where did I put that distractor...

Three scientists and three engineers are travelling by train for a conference.

At the station, the three scientists each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three scientists. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The scientists take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The scientists see this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the scientists decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed scientist.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three scientists cram into a rest-room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the scientists are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Inteligent thinking get's you a long way on very little. Spencer.

LMAO !!

Hello BabyGuinness,

I l i k e that! I am not an Engineer and thought when I was younger it meant "near an engine". But, then, I am a little dum < note the spelling.

jfmfit

Here comes the next generation of engineers...

In case you can't read the above, this explanation is given by the student: "It's curvy, with a higher bit at the end and a rather aesthetically pleasing slope downwards towards a pretty flat strait bit. The actual graph itself consists of 2 strait lines meeting at the lower left hand corner of the graph and moving away at a 90^o angle. Each line has an arrow head on the end."

_______________________

______________________________

______________________________________

"No. there is an elephant in the way."

__________________________________________

And this gem...

Mark

An engineer is walking down the street when he sees a frog.

The frog looks up to him and says, "Hey, listen! If you kiss me I'll
turn into a beautiful princess and I'll marry you." The engineer
picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and walks on down the
street.

A little later the frog calls out from his pocket and says, "Hello?
If you kiss me then I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll
marry you!"

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket and says to it,
"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for human
relationships. But it's really cool to have a talking frog."

Don't take a check from an engineer that's very angry with you!

You Might Be An Engineer If...

* You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force".

* You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

* It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

* You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver".

* You have a pet named after a scientist.

* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

* You can translate English into Binary.

* You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.

* You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

* The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

* The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

* You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores...
...and correcting the salesperson.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

* You've ever calculated how much you make per second.

* Your favorite James Bond character is "Q".

* You understood more than five of these jokes.

"* The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it."

My sister-in-law had one of those things and it always drove me nuts!

I finally fixed it for her. I hit it with a very large hammer (I did unplug it first though).

P.S. I bought her a new one that was a little more up to date.

Hello Johnjohn,

the sound behind the door is a Giraffe try to get under it................!

jfmfit

Hello AstoNut,

nice list there. How can you possible know me so well as to describe me so perfectly? It's as if I was making a list of my own attributes, skills and failings...........mostly failings! Ermmm.............

jfmfit

You might be a drafter if you can't point at something without extending your thumb and middle finger perpendicular to your index finger. Of course this makes you totally useless for giving directions.

An engineer and an accountant are best friends (?!). The engineer dies and his friend goes into the local newspaper office and says that he would like to have an obituary placed in the newspaper. The clerk says not a problem that it will be 50 cents per word, and gives him a standard text to help him along with the wording. The accountant examines the text in detail and begins to stroke out words all over the place. He hands it over and all it read was "Jimmy Jones died."

Astounded by the accountant's thriftiness the clerk advises that obituaries have a seven-word minimum. So the accountant slowly paces the floor for a few minutes and approaches the desk and says "Okay have it say 'Jimmy Jones died. Slide rule for sale'."

@

A retired engineer, scientist and accountant are sitting together on a park bench feeding the ducks. All three are looking very glum. The engineer pipes up "To hell with retirement. I could enjoy my retirement if it wasn't for the constipation. 6 o'clock every morning I stand at the toilet and squeeze till my eyes water. Not a drop. As dry as an scientist's wit."

The scientist nodded knowingly. "I agree. I could enjoy my retirement if it wasn't for the constipation. 6 o'clock every morning I sit on the toilet and push till my ears pop. Not a message. More movement in an engineer's wallet."

The accountant sighs. "I have no problem with constipation. 6 o'clock every morning I do a p--s that would drown a fish. 7 o'clock every morning I do a c--p that would make a horse cry. Regular as clockwork."

His two companions can't understand his misery. "How come the glum looks then?" they ask. The accountant replies,

"I'd be happy except I don't wake up till nine."

This is not a joke, but it is amusing and related to engineering.

PBS aired an episode of NOVA years ago about the construction of an observatory on a mountaintop in Hawaii. While discussing the effects of working in thin air, one of the workers commented that no matter how many times he cut a particular beam, he could never make it long enough!

I wonder how many times something like that happens at lower elevations?

Give yourself 2 points for each "yes" – the total is your nerd percentage:

* Have you ever programmed a computer continuously for more than four hours?

* More than eight hours?

* For money?

* Have you ever built a computer?

* Do you ask questions in a lecture?

* Have you ever answered a question in lecture?

* Have you ever corrected a professor?

* Have you ever answered a rhetorical question?

* Do you sit in the front row?

* Do you take notes in more than one color?

* Do you read science fiction?

* Have you read "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"?

* Have you ever used a microscope?

* A telescope?

* An oscilloscope?

* Do you have a Rubik's Cube?

* Can you solve it?

* Without taking it apart?

* Without looking?

* Do you know Maxwell's Equations?

* Do you have them on a t-shirt?

* Do you know pi past five decimal places?

* Do you know e past five decimal places?

* Do you own more than $2500 in electronics (excluding stereo)?

* Have you ever built more than $2500 worth of electronics?

* Do you watch Monty Python?

* Do you watch Dr. Who?

* More than three times in the same night?

* Have you ever redesigned a major household appliance?

* Do you play computer games?

* Have you ever written a computer game?

* Have you used a chemistry set?

* After the age of 13?

* Have you ever played D&D (or any other role-playing game)?

* Since high school?

* Did you ever enter a science fair?

* Did you win?

* Do you own a laser (over 1 MW)?

* Were you ever on a chess team?

* A debate team?

* Do you know more than three programming languages?

* More than eight?

* Can you name more than ten Star Trek episodes?

* Do you know Schroedinger's Equation?

* Have you ever solved it?

* Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?

* Can you count in binary?

* Have you ever inhaled helium?

* Do you own anything that is radio controlled?

* Do you own a digital watch with a scientific calculator?

--- I'm bummed! I scored only 56!

What? No points for having ever bought graph paper when you weren't enrolled in a math, physics or chemistry class? Or for owning more than one scientific calculator?

Something's wrong with that test!

Hello Astonut,

Did I ever use the word "asymtotic", ...........now I have. Just going to see what it means...................Shouldn't that be "asymptonic? See, I am trying to correct again, sorry..

I like and agree with a lot you list. But, I do not watch Start Trek etc. Does that make me a bad person? Once I knew the Darliks were 'dustbins', I sort of lost interest. Like when you are told Father Christmas does not exist, you know?

jfmfit

Thanks for catching the spelling glitch!

Not watching Star Trek doesn't make you a BAD person, just an UNFORTUNATE one...

But, Darliks on Star Trek? I think you mean "Daleks", and they were on Dr. Who.

Live Long and Prosper anyway!

Hello Astonut,

I hope you are fine?

you write some really fun stuff. Sorry I got my space-invaders mixed up!

I like your posted poem "I Shot A Query Into The Net".

Take care..............

jfmfit

I Shot A Query Into The Net

I shot a query into the Net.
I haven't got an answer yet,
But seven people gave me hell
And said I ought to learn to spell;

A posted message called me rotten
For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
An angry message asked me, Please
Don't send such drivel overseas;

A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --
I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem
And failed to add the T and M;

One netter thought it was a hoax:
"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
Another called my grammar vile
And criticized my writing style.

Each day I scan each Subject line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the Net.
I haven't got an answer yet ...

(author unknown)

NEW COMPUTER ERROR MESSSAGES

Mark

Hello again MarkTheHandyman,

I like all your error messages! My favourite is PEBKAC-Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair!

The 'real' 'error' messages that pee me off, is when I bin or trash some file and a message pops up asking me "are you sure you want to trash this"? Aaaarrrwwwggg! And other similar words describe how frustrated it makes me feel.

I have a problem, or a couple actually with my file set ups. Can you try and help please? You can always answer directly to my email. If possible that is.

Take care.

Oh, by the way, you sent a post to me and said at the bottom to take a look at your blog. How do I do that? ...................I TOLD you I wasn't an Engineer! LOL!

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer
go on a road trip. Somewhere in Kansas, the car breaks down.

The mechanical engineer says, "Must be a stuck valve."

The electrical engineer says, "I think it's a bad spark plug."

The software engineer says, "I know what to do. Let's all get out of
the car, then get back in."

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer
go into a bar.

The bartender says "is this a joke?"

[Works better with an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman - but I had to put an engineering slant on it!]

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were discussing
the history of their various professions.

The doctor remarked, "In the Bible it says that God created Eve
from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so
medicine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer objected, saying, "But even earlier in the book
of Genesis, it states that God created order -- the heavens and
the earth -- from out of chaos. This was the first and certainly
the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore,
fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the
world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey.

The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.

"Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.

"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

(Original source unknown)