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Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 10:23 AM

The engineering persona, stereotypically characterized by how it views and interacts with its surrounding environment, is often the butt of many jokes.

The great thing about engineering humor is that it generally takes an engineering mentality to 'get it.'

Through the years, I have come across some extremely funny engineering/technology-based humor.

My thought with this thread is to provide a single-point location, a compilation if you will, of the lighter side of engineering and technology.

So, what say you CR4? Heard a good one lately? Feel free to share it here. Also, I don't see this as limited to the written joke, feel free to post images or links to videos as well.

My only request is that we keep the humor related to the personification of the engineering stereotype and/or the application, or more correctly stated 'miss-application' of technology.

JavaHead

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#1

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 10:36 AM

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''

Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.''

The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

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#41
In reply to #1

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/04/2010 1:37 AM

Lucky they finally consulted that Civil type. It wasn't a real problem just carrying through the mechanical and electrical design with a few changes from earlier models, (birds, reptiles and even some mammals).

Yeesiree Bob without that Civil type, the playground would still be the toxic waste pipe.

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#42
In reply to #41

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/04/2010 10:30 PM

Like chickens?

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#46
In reply to #42

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/06/2010 11:42 PM

Yup like Chooks, Platypus and Echidnas.

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#2

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 11:09 AM
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#12
In reply to #2

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 11:37 PM

Long as we're picking on Dave Barry, here's another one of his classics ("The most wonderful event in the history of the universe.") that has given me much laughter even today as I post this reply:

http://www.theexplodingwhale.com/evidence/resources/dave-barry-article/

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#21
In reply to #12

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 5:23 AM

Enjoy the video!

url="http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3712178515303087869#

John

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#22
In reply to #12

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 5:30 AM
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#36
In reply to #12

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/03/2010 4:34 AM

Dave's a really funny guy.

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#49
In reply to #12

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/02/2011 12:56 AM

The moment It started and dynamite was mentioned I knew what would happen. Well maybe not on that scale. It is funny, very funny or better, in the schadenfreude department.

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#19
In reply to #2

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 3:35 AM

that's v funny.

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#3

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 11:47 AM

Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Engineer: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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#4

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 12:34 PM

I saw this on Fark the other day. Someone commenting on what would happen on YouTube when the newly-discovered footage of Neil Armstrong stepping on the Moon is posted there.

It may not have been an engineer who did this, be he has a sense of humor that engineers can appreciate:

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#5

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 1:01 PM

I've always been partial to "The Knack" (Dilbert).

YouTube - Dilbert - The Knack

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#6

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 1:15 PM

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is!"

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1 Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999

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#7
In reply to #6

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 2:23 PM

That would be Charles Steinmetz at GE.

And it was $1 for making the chalk mark and $9,999 for knowing where to put the mark.

http://www.rotaryfirst100.org/philosophy/scientists/steinmets.htm

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#32
In reply to #7

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 5:18 PM

It would be interesting to see a list of his students and what became of them.

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#8

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 3:19 PM

Here are some graphs to help engineers understand the rest of the world.

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#9

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 5:29 PM

A "circuit tester" an electrical engineer described to me as having a relay, light bulb, push button, line cord and battery. Pushing the button labeled circuit tester, caused by action of the relay, a direct short circuit, which in turn tripped the office circuit breaker, while simultaneously lighting the small battery powered bulb.

Not UL approved.

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#10

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 8:47 PM

it's a proven fact

those that design it

never have to work (repair) on it

in my life I've worked with one one engineer that I considered a genius

but I've worked with many engineers

Stub

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#11

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 11:06 PM

Foursome of golfers - engineer, lawyer, doctor, priest are behind another group of golfers that are taking forever to find their balls, are hitting way off line, and are just generally taking forever to play. Worse yet, they won't even acknowledge the foursome or waive them through due to their slow pace of play, as etiquette demands.

The foursome is growing impatient, and as the greenskeeper approaches, the lawyer says "Hey Joe, who let these duffers on the course - they don't have a clue how to play the game!".

Joe says, "Oh, they're actually doing pretty well today - they are a group of firefighters that were blinded while putting out the fire in the old clubhouse. The course owner lets them play whenever they want for free."

The priest says, "Dear Lord! To think that I was growing impatient. I will repent and pray that the Lord will someday help them see again."

The lawyer says, "I know a good personal injury attourney - maybe I can help them get a good settlement from the insurance company."

The doctor says, "I know an opthalmologist who does cutting edge work in the field - I'll make sure that they get in to see him right away."

The engineer, still shaking his head, says, "Dammit, Joe, why can't they play at night?!?"

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#13

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/30/2010 11:55 PM

A man was standing on the top of a hill and another man in a hot air balloon came low enough to shout to him, he said 'I am lost, can you tell me where I am?'

The man on the ground replied with his exact latitude and longitude, to which the man in the balloon responded:

'You're an engineer aren't you'
to which the man on the ground replied 'Yes, but how did you know?'
The man in the balloon responded 'You answered my question exactly and precisely, but I'm just as lost as I was before'
The man on the ground then asked 'You are a manager aren't you?'
He answered 'Yes, but how did you know?'
The engineer answered 'You are no more lost now than you were before you spoke to me, but now, somehow, it is my fault!'

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#17
In reply to #13

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 3:06 AM

Original version is very nice. It says

A man was standing in the field and another man in a hot air balloon came low enough to shout to him, he said 'I am lost, can you tell me where I am?'

The man on the ground replied with his exact latitude and longitude, to which the man in the balloon responded:

'You're an software engineer aren't you?'
to which the man on the ground replied 'Yes, but how did you know?'
The man in the balloon responded 'You answered my question exactly and precisely, but the information is of no use for me.'
The man on the ground then asked 'You are a manager aren't you?'
He answered 'Yes, but how did you know?'
The engineer answered 'You do not know where you are, where you are heading and blaming me for the situation. Its not my fault'

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#14

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 1:07 AM

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.......

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#26
In reply to #14

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 9:00 AM

I thought I was was wrong, but I was mistaken.....

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#15

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 2:07 AM

a manager was trying to measure height of a flag pole. but as he was short (and dumb), he could not..

an engineer was passing by. manager stopped engineer and asked if he could help. engineer made flag pole horizontal on ground.measured its length and told the manager...

after engineer was gone, manager laughed and said,"sure, he must be an engineer. I wanted to know height, he told me length..."

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#16

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 2:58 AM

An engineering student was walking through the campus at University.

A beautiful young woman rode past on her bicycle and upon seeing the student, threw her bike to the ground, ripped off all her clothes and lay down on the grass. She looked at him with lust in her eyes and said "Take whatever you want from me!"

The engineering student promptly picked up the bike, hopped on and rode off saying "Thanks!"

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#23
In reply to #16

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 5:52 AM

When he explained what had happened to his friend, he replied:
"That was wise: the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you."

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#18

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 3:09 AM

Engineer turned to reporter reports the rape case of the washer woman:

The title: "A nut screws washer and bolts"

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#20

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 3:57 AM

A doctor, an engineer and a politician - old school buddies - got together for drinks. Over a couple of tall ones, they managed to get into an argument over which of their professions was the oldest.

The dispute was raging when the doctor suddenly had an idea. "Boys," he said "you all believe that the Bible is the word of God, right?" His buddies agreed. "All right then," said the doc, "look at Genesis, where it says that God took one of Adam's ribs to create Eve. Now that clearly is a surgical operation, so Scripture proves that my profession is the oldest." He took another swig of Heineken and sat back, triumphant.

But the others weren't silenced for long. "All right," said the engineer, "go back a few verses, right to the beginning. It says there that God created order out of chaos. If that's not engineering, I don't know what is!" And he sat back, a smug smile on his face.

But the politician was completely unimpressed. "Chaos, boys" he said, "just who do think created that?"

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#24

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 6:40 AM

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Engineer got into trouble and were sentenced to die at the Guilletine. The Englishman was asked if he had any last words. "Long live the King!". The blade came down and jammed just above his neck. The law was that if the machine malfunctioned, the prisoner was let go.

The Frenchman asked if he had any last words. "Viva la France!". The blade jammed again, and he was released.

The engineer was asked if he had any last words. "I think I see why the rope is coming off the pulley."

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#25

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 7:34 AM

A Physicist, a Mathematician and a Biologist are sitting in a café, looking out the window at a derelict house across the street. After a few minutes two people walk into the house. A few minutes pass, then they see three people leave the house.

The Biologist says that the people must have reproduced.

The Physicist says that the original measurement must have contained an inaccuracy.

The Mathematician says that now, if one more person enters the house it will be empty again.

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#27

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 9:46 AM

Engineers Letter to Helpline

Hello Helpline,I really need your advice for a serious problem.
I have suspected For some time now that the misses has been
cheating. The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs
up, going out with the Girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out
for her when she comes Home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last
night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out Of her purse and slipped them
on ....

It was at that moment crouched Behind the boat I realized..There's a hairline crack in the outboard mounting Bracket...

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

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#28

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 11:02 AM

Three engineers and three lawyers were all on a train going to a convention on patents. The lawyers were boasting about how they got a discount on their train tickets by exploiting a little known law and asked the engineers how much they had paid for their three tickets. The engineers replied that they had purchased only a single ticket. The lawyers, aghast, asked how they could all ride on a single ticket and the engineers replied "watch". When they saw the conductor coming to collect the tickets all three engineers piled into the restroom in the car and closed the door. When the conductor knocked on the door they cracked it a little and pushed out their single ticket to be stamped. The lawyers were amazed. On the return trip from the convention the lawyers again saw the engineers and kidded that they had seen their trick and had purchased a single ticket. The engineers replied that they were riding without purchasing any tickets. Again the lawyers were dumbfounded. When the conductor started to approach their rail car the engineers all pushed into one restroom and the lawyers into another. At this time one of the engineers slipped out of their restroom and knocked on the other restroom door asking for "tickets". The lawyers cracked the door and handed the ticket out. The engineer quickly took it and slipped back to the other restroom to wait for the conductor.

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#29

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 1:04 PM

Chemical Engineers are truly multi-disciplinary. However, they (I am one too) are looked down upon by the other engineers, who tell that ChemEs are glorified plumbers and know neither chemistry nor engineering and generally banish us to the Warm Place. We have the last laugh though. St Peter was surprised to see a huge queue at the Pearly gates. But on the INSIDE with inmates trying to leave. When queried they replied,'Sir, the chemical engineers, who arrived there found eternal fires and used the heat to centrally air condition the whole place. Everyone is having a sinful great time. We want to got to Hell too.' Bioramani

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#30

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 1:31 PM

While not a joke... this was one of the funniest things to have happened during my long career.

Many years ago, at a food plant, a mechaincal (pneumatically driven) indexer was being commissioned with not a lot of luck. This device was "supposed" to index cheese portions on a feed belt for a horizontal wrapper. If it had of worked, several labour positions would be eliminated. We, in the maintenance group, knew, it would never function as supposed to. But, they would not listen to us...

Anyways... the project leader, was a not particularly bright mechanical engineer. They tried for days... they fiddled with pneumatic flow controls... cylinder cushions... sprayed things with food grade sillicone and everything else they could think of.

In desperation the young engineer yelled out "What is wrong with this @#$% thing?". All at once, a veteran machinst in the maintenance group that I supervised spoke up and said... "Why it is easy to see what is wrong with it, the plant has not changed the air in the compressed air system yet".

The young engineer, grasping for straws asked for an explanation and was told, "We take the winter air out of the compressed air system and put in the summer air in three weeks. The dew point is different and pneumatic devices usually work better after the change. Try your device then".

Well the young engineer nodded his head in a knowing fashion and walked away. We learned afterwards that he actually presented that as the reason for the trouble with this 200k$$ boat anchor at the regional monthly engineering meeting. We never saw the young fellow again, we heard he was moved to another plant.

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#37
In reply to #30

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/03/2010 4:41 AM

Promoted to Engineering Manager no doubt. Sigh.

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#38
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Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/03/2010 1:37 PM

Not to far from the truth actually, they turned him loose on even bigger projects. Often times... what happens in the corporate world defies logic of any kind.

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#40
In reply to #38

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/03/2010 11:44 PM

In civil service,one can be promoted time after time until one reaches a job that they really suck at. And because they suck at it, they will not get promoted again. Go figure.

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#31

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 1:54 PM

Absent minded engineers.

John visits Paul at home.

John: It's been years since we last met...

Paul: Yes, must be over 10 years. (to his wife in the kitchen) Honey, could you bring us a couple of cold ones?

Wife: Yes dear.

John and Paul reminisce old times...

Paul (to Wife): Love, could you bring us some sandwiches?

Wife: Right away, dear.

John and Paul continue discussion...

Paul (to wife): Sugar, could you bring us some coffee?

Wife: Yes dear.

John: Paul, how long have you two been married?

Paul: It's been over 40 years...

John: And after all these years, you are still so romantic, "honey, love, sugar...."

Paul: Sometimes I can't recall her F! name!

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#33

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/01/2010 5:43 PM

A bit of an new age engineering :

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."


Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital. She consulted with a medical engineer. Based on her recommendations she decided to change some bone structure, have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


(You'll love this)

God replied: "Sh*t! I didn't recognize you."

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#34

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/02/2010 8:41 AM

A one armed accountant was in a tree, which nobody could get him down. So they called the Police department, and after failed attempts the fire department was called. who also could not get this accountant down.

An engineer happened to be walking past the scene and inquired "Whats going on?".

The fireman responded. "A one armed accountant climbed a tree and refuse to come down."

The engineer answered, "A one armed accountant huh?, thats easy." So the engineer walked up to the tree and waved to the accountant......

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#35

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/02/2010 8:57 PM

An IT Nerd gets invited to the rifle range. He lays down on the 300 metre mound and aims the rifle toward the butts. Blam, Blam, Blam, he fires off 10 shots without troubling the scorer.

Next thing he puts his finger over the muzzle and lets one go. It blows the end off his finger.

He yells toward the butts, "Problem must be at your end, it's leaving here ok".

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#39

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/03/2010 4:13 PM

What did one super conductor say to the other super conductor.

A: Resistance is futile.

Goes over big at a Star Trek convention

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#43

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/05/2010 7:26 AM

Overheard in the KrisDelTM New Products Development Lab, also known as Kris' garden shed:

"Del, My dog is an Engineering Dog!"

"That's silly, Kris. Come on. How do you know it's an Engineering Dog?"

"Simple, Del. When I kick it up the backside it makes a bolt for the door!"

http://cr4.globalspec.com/thread/56116/Engineering-Jokes

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#44
In reply to #43

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/05/2010 1:44 PM

You realy are twisted, Slacky

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#45
In reply to #44

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/06/2010 9:13 AM
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#47

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/13/2010 5:40 AM

An engineer is walking home one night when a frog jumps out in front of him and cries 'Kiss me kiss me'

'Yuk, why would I want to kiss a frog?' Asks the engineer.

'Because if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess and as a reward I will happily do anything you ask me to, for ever'

The engineer considers this, then picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket and resumes walking home.

'Why haven't you kissed me?' Asks the frog.

'I wouldn't know what to do with a woman, but a talking frog, now that's cool'

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#48

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

11/06/2010 12:39 PM

I just received this and I thought it was approiate enough that I would share it....

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs says, "Yeah, right. And just where the f*ck are you going to find a lawyer?"

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#50

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

09/02/2011 6:47 AM

A comic written by a Math (professor? major?) about Math Computer Science, Engineering about romance, sarcasm, Math and Language.

<below cut and pasted from below the comic>

"Warning: this comic occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)." "We did not invent the algorithm. The algorithm consistently finds Jesus. The algorithm killed Jeeves.
The algorithm is banned in China. The algorithm is from Jersey. The algorithm constantly finds Jesus.
This is not the algorithm. This is close."

Number 1 to present (946 as of today)

Drew K

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#51

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/11/2011 12:54 PM

I just ran across this and could not avoid sharing this with all of you. And it is not so out of focus of this forum, as Boyle´s law affects all of us:

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam.
The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues,
via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

(1) .If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

(2).If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.
..leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!

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#52
In reply to #51

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/11/2011 4:18 PM

truly awesome proof..

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#53
In reply to #51

Re: Engineering Humor Compilation

10/11/2011 4:58 PM
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