Engineering Humor Compilation

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''

Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.''

The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

Long as we're picking on Dave Barry, here's another one of his classics ("The most wonderful event in the history of the universe.") that has given me much laughter even today as I post this reply:

http://www.theexplodingwhale.com/evidence/resources/dave-barry-article/

Ed Weldon

Here are some graphs to help engineers understand the rest of the world.

Foursome of golfers - engineer, lawyer, doctor, priest are behind another group of golfers that are taking forever to find their balls, are hitting way off line, and are just generally taking forever to play. Worse yet, they won't even acknowledge the foursome or waive them through due to their slow pace of play, as etiquette demands.

The foursome is growing impatient, and as the greenskeeper approaches, the lawyer says "Hey Joe, who let these duffers on the course - they don't have a clue how to play the game!".

Joe says, "Oh, they're actually doing pretty well today - they are a group of firefighters that were blinded while putting out the fire in the old clubhouse. The course owner lets them play whenever they want for free."

The priest says, "Dear Lord! To think that I was growing impatient. I will repent and pray that the Lord will someday help them see again."

The lawyer says, "I know a good personal injury attourney - maybe I can help them get a good settlement from the insurance company."

The doctor says, "I know an opthalmologist who does cutting edge work in the field - I'll make sure that they get in to see him right away."

The engineer, still shaking his head, says, "Dammit, Joe, why can't they play at night?!?"

A man was standing on the top of a hill and another man in a hot air balloon came low enough to shout to him, he said 'I am lost, can you tell me where I am?'

The man on the ground replied with his exact latitude and longitude, to which the man in the balloon responded:

'You're an engineer aren't you'
to which the man on the ground replied 'Yes, but how did you know?'
The man in the balloon responded 'You answered my question exactly and precisely, but I'm just as lost as I was before'
The man on the ground then asked 'You are a manager aren't you?'
He answered 'Yes, but how did you know?'
The engineer answered 'You are no more lost now than you were before you spoke to me, but now, somehow, it is my fault!'

When he explained what had happened to his friend, he replied:
"That was wise: the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you."

A doctor, an engineer and a politician - old school buddies - got together for drinks. Over a couple of tall ones, they managed to get into an argument over which of their professions was the oldest.

The dispute was raging when the doctor suddenly had an idea. "Boys," he said "you all believe that the Bible is the word of God, right?" His buddies agreed. "All right then," said the doc, "look at Genesis, where it says that God took one of Adam's ribs to create Eve. Now that clearly is a surgical operation, so Scripture proves that my profession is the oldest." He took another swig of Heineken and sat back, triumphant.

But the others weren't silenced for long. "All right," said the engineer, "go back a few verses, right to the beginning. It says there that God created order out of chaos. If that's not engineering, I don't know what is!" And he sat back, a smug smile on his face.

But the politician was completely unimpressed. "Chaos, boys" he said, "just who do think created that?"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Engineer got into trouble and were sentenced to die at the Guilletine. The Englishman was asked if he had any last words. "Long live the King!". The blade came down and jammed just above his neck. The law was that if the machine malfunctioned, the prisoner was let go.

The Frenchman asked if he had any last words. "Viva la France!". The blade jammed again, and he was released.

The engineer was asked if he had any last words. "I think I see why the rope is coming off the pulley."

A Physicist, a Mathematician and a Biologist are sitting in a café, looking out the window at a derelict house across the street. After a few minutes two people walk into the house. A few minutes pass, then they see three people leave the house.

The Biologist says that the people must have reproduced.

The Physicist says that the original measurement must have contained an inaccuracy.

The Mathematician says that now, if one more person enters the house it will be empty again.

Engineers Letter to Helpline

Hello Helpline,I really need your advice for a serious problem.
I have suspected For some time now that the misses has been
cheating. The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs
up, going out with the Girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out
for her when she comes Home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last
night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out Of her purse and slipped them
on ....

It was at that moment crouched Behind the boat I realized..There's a hairline crack in the outboard mounting Bracket...

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Three engineers and three lawyers were all on a train going to a convention on patents. The lawyers were boasting about how they got a discount on their train tickets by exploiting a little known law and asked the engineers how much they had paid for their three tickets. The engineers replied that they had purchased only a single ticket. The lawyers, aghast, asked how they could all ride on a single ticket and the engineers replied "watch". When they saw the conductor coming to collect the tickets all three engineers piled into the restroom in the car and closed the door. When the conductor knocked on the door they cracked it a little and pushed out their single ticket to be stamped. The lawyers were amazed. On the return trip from the convention the lawyers again saw the engineers and kidded that they had seen their trick and had purchased a single ticket. The engineers replied that they were riding without purchasing any tickets. Again the lawyers were dumbfounded. When the conductor started to approach their rail car the engineers all pushed into one restroom and the lawyers into another. At this time one of the engineers slipped out of their restroom and knocked on the other restroom door asking for "tickets". The lawyers cracked the door and handed the ticket out. The engineer quickly took it and slipped back to the other restroom to wait for the conductor.

While not a joke... this was one of the funniest things to have happened during my long career.

Many years ago, at a food plant, a mechaincal (pneumatically driven) indexer was being commissioned with not a lot of luck. This device was "supposed" to index cheese portions on a feed belt for a horizontal wrapper. If it had of worked, several labour positions would be eliminated. We, in the maintenance group, knew, it would never function as supposed to. But, they would not listen to us...

Anyways... the project leader, was a not particularly bright mechanical engineer. They tried for days... they fiddled with pneumatic flow controls... cylinder cushions... sprayed things with food grade sillicone and everything else they could think of.

In desperation the young engineer yelled out "What is wrong with this @#$% thing?". All at once, a veteran machinst in the maintenance group that I supervised spoke up and said... "Why it is easy to see what is wrong with it, the plant has not changed the air in the compressed air system yet".

The young engineer, grasping for straws asked for an explanation and was told, "We take the winter air out of the compressed air system and put in the summer air in three weeks. The dew point is different and pneumatic devices usually work better after the change. Try your device then".

Well the young engineer nodded his head in a knowing fashion and walked away. We learned afterwards that he actually presented that as the reason for the trouble with this 200k$$ boat anchor at the regional monthly engineering meeting. We never saw the young fellow again, we heard he was moved to another plant.

A bit of an new age engineering :

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital. She consulted with a medical engineer. Based on her recommendations she decided to change some bone structure, have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


(You'll love this)

God replied: "Sh*t! I didn't recognize you."

An IT Nerd gets invited to the rifle range. He lays down on the 300 metre mound and aims the rifle toward the butts. Blam, Blam, Blam, he fires off 10 shots without troubling the scorer.

Next thing he puts his finger over the muzzle and lets one go. It blows the end off his finger.

He yells toward the butts, "Problem must be at your end, it's leaving here ok".

An engineer is walking home one night when a frog jumps out in front of him and cries 'Kiss me kiss me'

'Yuk, why would I want to kiss a frog?' Asks the engineer.

'Because if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess and as a reward I will happily do anything you ask me to, for ever'

The engineer considers this, then picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket and resumes walking home.

'Why haven't you kissed me?' Asks the frog.

'I wouldn't know what to do with a woman, but a talking frog, now that's cool'

I just received this and I thought it was approiate enough that I would share it....

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs says, "Yeah, right. And just where the f*ck are you going to find a lawyer?"

I just ran across this and could not avoid sharing this with all of you. And it is not so out of focus of this forum, as Boyle´s law affects all of us:

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam.
The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues,
via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

(1) .If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

(2).If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.
..leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!